Beltane Remembrances

Five years ago today, I sat in sacred plant ceremony for the first time. I peeled away the layers of this world that I knew and felt comfortable with. It was terrifying. Yet, when I realized there was no escaping it and let go, I received spiritual guidance and support to remove restrictions in my mind and body and unify with love consciousness… the energy of abundance, truth, and emptiness.

A realization that there is enough in this very moment, for myself and everyone, to live peacefully in the NOW. (Read: Let your dramas go!)

I was given the opportunity to rebirth myself, to find my way. I am not a perfected being of course, but I will always carry that experience with me in my heart and not only believe, but know, it is the ultimate truth for us all.

There is always enough time and energy for love. Drop your judgements, this moment is unfolding, feel it with love in your heart and body… even if it’s bearing loving witness to horrendous pain.

Be a portal for an expression, rather than playing a role for a particular outcome.

May all beings be free of suffering. Blessed May Day wishes to us all!~*°

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Continue~Yin

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Keeping in tune
with yin,
with in.

Outward movement, y observation.
My babies, mi niño, y mijo.

Greater trochanter,
ego, child…
release
receive.

Es segura niña.
Birthing unfamiliar.

Mi familia
en inglés
amando por Armando.

Heart-mind opens
pink into kind-hearted,
supple red.

Tears of sunshine kisses.
Rubbing the white feathers out of my eyes I am feed. I can see!

No big fucKINGQUEEN deal.
Nada del otro mundo.

Same, Same.

Releasing, releasing.
This moment gloriously shows itself.

A story in one hand, opportunity in the breath, perspective in the mind, and one hand on the heart.

Abhaya.

I breathe.
practice complete.

To be continueYin’d.

Om Ma Durga Om

Appreciating Durga today.

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The divine goddess of love and motherhood. She loves so fiercely that within her being is every “weapon” that spiritual warriors could posses. Her presence radiates beauty, confidence, acceptance, and strength… she has the loving awareness to witness all “evil, darkness, ego” gone astray with such divine power that the “evil, darkness, ego” wishes be released from itself. It simply offers itself to her to die under the swiftness of her sword.

At least, this is the way I understand her, taught to me by Dr. Manoj Chalam.

Karmic reweaving of mother/child-hood has been thick, in my sleeping and waking dreams the last few days. In this I experience prophetic dreams, symbolic messages, vibrational detoxes, and toddler-triggers galore!

Yesterday, my sweet toddler was pushing every button I had. I saw and felt my reactions and equally rose above said triggers and unconsciously reacted to them. When I reacted, I immediately felt what I was doing to my child, and to myself, by being angry. I communicated as best I could to him that I was reacting poorly and that I was sorry for my lack of patience.

In fleeting moments of silence, or in split seconds of post-trigger awareness, I would quickly pray. “Dear God, Great Spirit, please forgive me and guide me to be a better mother.”

I knew better than to believe I was a shitty parent and horrible mother. Sure, I felt that way, but I knew better than to let my heart attach itself to the sticky entrapment of misery presenting itself to me. Yet it took an unwavering commitment to say NO to it, every time.

Before going to sleep I was following through with a few logistical texts with our baby’s nanny, and friend in the spirit tribe in Boise. I let her know I was going to bed, and thus I did not see her replies until morning. Her last text to me, wished that I be filled with white light. Which she’d never said via text before.

It was sweet to read upon waking, as she didn’t know of the internal struggle I was challenged with and it was also supportive of the guidance that came to my dreams that night:

I was in a large stadium with people I knew and didn’t know. I found my 4 year old son there and he informed me that he was like his Dad and he has coyote medicine within him. Coyote is a shape shifter, and also a bit of a PLAYful instigator I believe. This gave me an “ah-ha” within my being and helped me understand why he is the way he is. Read: why I get triggered the way I do. 😉

I then was given an assignment to teach yoga in the stadium and I knew it had to be a heart-centric practice so that people could feel the loving acceptance I was feeling after my “ah-ha.” I was walking to where I would be teaching and I had an invisible presence next to me whispering that I create a perfect mantra for this experience. The presence felt masculine, and fatherly. He was helping me with my mantra as I would hope to help my son learn: patiently. As we walked the conversation went like this:

What would be best to start the mantra with?

….Om. Yes Om, the sound of creation.

Yes. That is good. And what shall follow it? What makes YOU feel loved?

Durga! Yes Durga should follow Om!

(Silent presence, knowing there’s a better answer.)

Oh wait, Ma! Ma Durga!

Very well! And let it finish with Om too. 🙂

Om Ma Durga Om!

I felt love and loved, and full of joy! The feeling increased every time I repeated it and I also felt so happy to have created just the right mantra to use in the waking dream to give me power on my path. I awoke shortly after.

I have a feeling that it was either one of my most relied upon teachers Babaji, or very likely Maharaj-ji visiting me in my dreams. I have been reading Maharaj-ji influences a lot lately through Ram Dass’ book Be Love Now for a book club I recently put in motion.

Shadow work, ie Karmic reweaving, is powerful when you arm yourself with awareness. I am thankful for the love of Durga and that of the True Christ that resides in my heart. I am thankful that my soul is armed in the soft, white feathers of owl and can wisely navigate within darkness. I am happy to have love in my home plus circles upon circles of divine beauty and embodiment in friendships in my city.

We should all be so lucky.

Summer Lovin

is what I do.

I love all the time.
I love my, eh-hem… job?, all of the time.
I love reiki-massage, and my thirst for life.

I love touching a person gently and not knowing, or caring to discern “why” (relatively).
I love giving a person source-energy and talking with them about life and love.
I love when people tell me that they feel safe with me and no one else.

I love when people fall asleep and wake themselves up from auditory-confirmations of their said relaxed state.
I love when it becomes electric-lightning and suddenly jolts their body into a new consciousness!
I love when a gentle moment is heard in a soft exhalation.
I love my tingsha bells.
I love the vibration of purity and the song it makes in between.
I love your anger and your tears.
I love my own.
I love Palo Santo.

I love the quiet comfort of the northend home in which I practice.
I love the people on foot and bikes outside, and even my occasionally noisy neighbor when he randomly shouts out “belly button,” and I realize its truly a message from above… or beside.

*

I love placing stones on you.
I love that you bring your own and I have mine.
I love that we share.
I love that I see you not only here, but there.
I love that this is ours, our city, our experience, our friendship, our Earth-ship!!
Yes! I do love getting carried away in flow…
Oh Boise,
I love our river.

The water, the earth-mother, she blesses us and takes us back into her every time we gently lay our feet near her bed. When we rest our head, near her current, trusting her presence, breathing our blessings.

Thank you great mOther.
In Oneness, we share her.

Om~~*

Photo used under CC. http://www.flickr.com/photos/devolva-me/6556347333/OMomOMomOMomOMomOMomOMomOM

**

Let us meet at our river beds, make art, share love, dance, praise, swim, and sing of our heart’s greatest dreams! Jai!

Photo used under CC. http://www.flickr.com/photos/devolva-me/6556347333/

“The Power of Woman is Love

And when a woman doesn’t receive, or is acknowledged by sharing this, woman’s biggest power is not available to us.” – Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

These videos (attached below) came my way via a yoga teacher today and I am loving the messages in this, the second of the 3-part series. Cesar also speaks to his own femininity in the first video, which goes to show that men have this inherent power of Love and nurturing from within. It is more natural to woman, yet not hidden from men.

The concepts spoken of in these videos of “not fighting Mother Nature,” to Witness another and allow them to be in order to gain trust, respect, loyalty and eventually love speaks volumes to the nature of dog ownership, relationships, motherhood, and to me in the value of a doula, or labor and birth-support companion.

I have two births coming up in the next two months that I am very excited about doulaing. Both are planned vaginal births after cesarean, one at home and the other at a hospital. I am feeling really touched by the honor it is to hold space and give that loving witness to women and families in this process. It is such a powerful, yet vulnerable experience for every birth. Working with first-time mothers and VBACs gives even more depth to the process, as it is the unknown which is by far the most challenging avenue for us all. Whether we’re birthing of a child, or a new way of being.

I have been seeking some clarity and inspiration to gain more financial stability and health for myself and my son lately. I seem to always “get by” and am very blessed to be serving my purpose and to receive support from friends and family through their own gestures of kindness and gifts. It is so very helpful, but I want to know that I am creating stable future for us. I want vacations, comfort, and a strong sense of material peace. I know I am creating these, yet returning to work full-time will bring more opportunity.

A few synchronistic unfoldings in the last 24 hours have given me some wonderful insights and reminded me of some of my inherent gifts that I want to give to the world, in service, from my heart passionately. I think I had forgotten about the blessing and honor of the role of doula because I haven’t been able to fully explore this role, until now. The commitment to doula felt too overwhelming as a newly single mother and of a child that was still breastfeeding. I had a lot of healing to do, to truly be able to tend to others.

One year post breakup, yesterday, I was given the opportunity to set a declaration for my chosen embodiment after ecstatic dance at Grace Place. We sat in circle, with Lucas on my lap, I stated that I declared and accepted of the role and responsibilities, the ownership and ability, and the joy and love that it is to be Divine Mother to a blessed Son and with the perfection and wholeness that it is, in itself. Or something like that. ; )

It has taken me this entire year be able to say that whole-heartedly and not be afraid of what that role means. It has taken a lot of support from others that saw the love and power in me before I could see it myself.

I am still weary and lonely at times, but I am starting to feel more and more comfortable and confident in the true meaning of what it *is* to *be* divine mother. It goes far beyond what I do for my son. It is what I embody for my bodywork clients, my role as doula, and without a doubt my intention in teaching yoga as well. It is my tone that I give, and it is the tone that so many others are giving as we are all finding a deeper understanding, awareness, and appreciation of our relationships with Mother Nature.

Cesar Millan is a beautiful man that is fully embodying his divine feminine as well. I highly recommend watching these as I’m sure that whether it be for yourself, your dog, or your relationships you will find a source of inspiration to “Mother” yourself into a more balanced way of being.

Jai!

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Where do you mother yourself and the world? How do these ideas manifest in your life? Care to share?? Please do! : )

Timelessness

exists all around us
in beauty, in creation
in love, in death
in song, in dance.
a vibration is infinite.

or maybe its more like a propelled boomerang…
spinning in the air until it arrives from whence it came.
either way, mindfully giving that which we want for ourselves and our children is key.

none of this is new to you i’m sure.
i just want to pay homage to the beauty of the world.
the beauty that is the world.
the pain and joy that is love.
the gift that is music.
the song that is my heart and dance.
the beat of my chest and rise of my breath.
the smile that is your face.
the love that is my son.
the mountains.
the sea.
the depths of me…..

there is so much glory surrounding us that its easy to forget.
there are always two ways of looking upon any experience or person.
whatever we wish to see we have to look for.
i’m learning and practicing and repeating the two.

tell me,
what inspires you…..

New Moon Inspiration. Gemini. 2011.

Moon dusting off the old.

The ghosts of DNA,

deep deep darkness

unconsciousness made conscious.

Blackness illuminated.

This experience is wrapped with a bow.

…a bow, of gratitude.

Wait, wrapped in a bow?

I meant a moat.

A moat that IS the castle-

the destination; immersion.

G’head get dirty, feel it, touch it and wear it within.

Within all that you meet. Let the darkness define

the white, glossy smile of your teeth.

***
My ghost is the shield of security my heart space has created… long ago, a few years back, and of course again recently. My soul has partially escaped each time. Its been seeking to return to the Cosmos, yet also committed in sacred contract to this lovely form I call home, aka my body. Divided and protected, I can never win. So its time to undo and redo.

Family is redefining itself in every avenue. My blessings- my teachers- reiki, bodywork; my healers, yogins, and Angels. They’re helping me hear the whisper:  ‘It is safe. It is safe. It is safe to Love… and be Loved!!’

Moats don’t have to be muddy, they surely represent the unknown depth of our emotion. Yet doesn’t that mean that once cleared, it is Love deeper than I’ve known? That it is joy expressed and felt more richly than I have known since youth? And Peace that has shown its face to me in mountaintops, yet that I know is as accessible to me as the dishes stacked in my sink.

The whispers I’ve been gifted through all of this, are my saving Grace. I have never been so vulnerable, malleable, and powerful… capable of intense, radical transformation.

…so Dark, yet sure of the presence of Light.

This Light is the seed of God and wisdom, found  sitting in my belly and guided by my body and heart’s symphony. My third eye is able to see God’s vision, my vision, and my royal Crown chakra- realizing that none of this is mine. I am merely a vessel to do Gods work. I give in, I surrender. I release… I feel the sadness from my heart’s attachments but all I know is that I am a child wrapped in a Divine embrace. Just as my son cries from the lack of awareness or understanding… I trust that I am a child, an infant of God and what I need abounds me.

I pray:

to not forget myself for I know SHe never has.

to continue to hear my heart and Angels wisdom; synchronistic, symbolic, and dreamed.

to have the heart- the courage, to let my mind go. let the critic go. let the fear go.

to remember: I am safe; to love, to be loved, to laugh. …and play. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval.

to forgive myself for wanting to judge- myself and others. And to release and remember: it is safe… to love and be loved. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval. G’head… laugh at the old way. Why not? It is silly, now that I can see.

Lastly yet foremost, I pray to be guided to live my life in such a way that I am harmoniously serving myself, my family, Mother Earth, and all Life in purity for the highest good of all involved.

Om Shanti Namaste.

Jai!