Om Ma Durga Om

Appreciating Durga today.

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The divine goddess of love and motherhood. She loves so fiercely that within her being is every “weapon” that spiritual warriors could posses. Her presence radiates beauty, confidence, acceptance, and strength… she has the loving awareness to witness all “evil, darkness, ego” gone astray with such divine power that the “evil, darkness, ego” wishes be released from itself. It simply offers itself to her to die under the swiftness of her sword.

At least, this is the way I understand her, taught to me by Dr. Manoj Chalam.

Karmic reweaving of mother/child-hood has been thick, in my sleeping and waking dreams the last few days. In this I experience prophetic dreams, symbolic messages, vibrational detoxes, and toddler-triggers galore!

Yesterday, my sweet toddler was pushing every button I had. I saw and felt my reactions and equally rose above said triggers and unconsciously reacted to them. When I reacted, I immediately felt what I was doing to my child, and to myself, by being angry. I communicated as best I could to him that I was reacting poorly and that I was sorry for my lack of patience.

In fleeting moments of silence, or in split seconds of post-trigger awareness, I would quickly pray. “Dear God, Great Spirit, please forgive me and guide me to be a better mother.”

I knew better than to believe I was a shitty parent and horrible mother. Sure, I felt that way, but I knew better than to let my heart attach itself to the sticky entrapment of misery presenting itself to me. Yet it took an unwavering commitment to say NO to it, every time.

Before going to sleep I was following through with a few logistical texts with our baby’s nanny, and friend in the spirit tribe in Boise. I let her know I was going to bed, and thus I did not see her replies until morning. Her last text to me, wished that I be filled with white light. Which she’d never said via text before.

It was sweet to read upon waking, as she didn’t know of the internal struggle I was challenged with and it was also supportive of the guidance that came to my dreams that night:

I was in a large stadium with people I knew and didn’t know. I found my 4 year old son there and he informed me that he was like his Dad and he has coyote medicine within him. Coyote is a shape shifter, and also a bit of a PLAYful instigator I believe. This gave me an “ah-ha” within my being and helped me understand why he is the way he is. Read: why I get triggered the way I do. 😉

I then was given an assignment to teach yoga in the stadium and I knew it had to be a heart-centric practice so that people could feel the loving acceptance I was feeling after my “ah-ha.” I was walking to where I would be teaching and I had an invisible presence next to me whispering that I create a perfect mantra for this experience. The presence felt masculine, and fatherly. He was helping me with my mantra as I would hope to help my son learn: patiently. As we walked the conversation went like this:

What would be best to start the mantra with?

….Om. Yes Om, the sound of creation.

Yes. That is good. And what shall follow it? What makes YOU feel loved?

Durga! Yes Durga should follow Om!

(Silent presence, knowing there’s a better answer.)

Oh wait, Ma! Ma Durga!

Very well! And let it finish with Om too. 🙂

Om Ma Durga Om!

I felt love and loved, and full of joy! The feeling increased every time I repeated it and I also felt so happy to have created just the right mantra to use in the waking dream to give me power on my path. I awoke shortly after.

I have a feeling that it was either one of my most relied upon teachers Babaji, or very likely Maharaj-ji visiting me in my dreams. I have been reading Maharaj-ji influences a lot lately through Ram Dass’ book Be Love Now for a book club I recently put in motion.

Shadow work, ie Karmic reweaving, is powerful when you arm yourself with awareness. I am thankful for the love of Durga and that of the True Christ that resides in my heart. I am thankful that my soul is armed in the soft, white feathers of owl and can wisely navigate within darkness. I am happy to have love in my home plus circles upon circles of divine beauty and embodiment in friendships in my city.

We should all be so lucky.

Learning to Follow

A shameless post of love and gratitude for my son Lucas.

Lucas leading the way at 18 months old.

Parenthood is far less about teaching than it is about learning most of the time. Which truly is such a blessing. Granted, I think that statement applies to those parents that are choosing to “rewrite their story.” Which essentially means, paying attention and working your ass off at breaking through your ancestral and personal mental/physical/spiritual “boundaries” to avoid imposing them on your child, as best as you can. Which I do think all parents are concerned with. Its the nature of parenthood.

Last winter I wrote about my desire to organize and declutter my life in hopes of never leaving that sort of burden on my child like I unfortunately inherited by the time I was 26 and again at 33. (That post here: Self-organization) I had completely forgotten about that post, but as we entered into the Winter Solstice and I again contemplated what I would like to manifest for the upcoming year, I revisted it and was amazed by how much more I have cleared in past last year than I even knew I had to clear.

My relationship with Lucas’ father ending, plus moving out of my Union St house, and learning how to say no to “obligations” has allowed me to clear and cleanse so much. Trust me, I didn’t want to face all of these opportunities in disguise over the last year. It has easily been one of the hardest years of my life, if not *the* hardest. Lucas has been the buffer that has brought me so much Love and Joy that it made it easy to see what I was doing it all for anyway. It makes me feel like I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without him. Which leads me back to “Following.”

Thank you Lucasuarus Aurora Borealis for coming into my world!!

omg. #Love!!

Even now, when I want life to hand me the easy path (eh-hem… Which btw Universe a lil’ easy path wouldn’t be so bad now and then if you know what I mean.) it doesn’t take me long to remember why I am being asked to do it.

If children are a burden, the burden they give us is exposing the light of our own illusions and ego. According to some, they are seen as Spirit coming through to test us and our ability to love and care for another outside of our needs and desires. I am so very thankful for the anchor that he has given to my physical existence. I can not bullshit myself any longer.

Its not like I didn’t already know these things as well. But he holds me accountable, or rather, my love for him holds myself accountable. I would never want to limit his potential, his confidence, his exposure to life and adventure because I didn’t do all that I could to push those boundaries in myself.

As this year comes to a close, I have been enjoying burning what seems to be the final stages of clearing my past from my Mother’s family in my woodstove. Its pretty awesome and liberating experience; heating your house with flames of burdens being carried away in smoke and ashes. Every time I burn through it, my living room and heart-space literally feel lighter and larger.

I have taken the time to set some intentions for the upcoming year and primarily it is to not lose site of my son being my guiding Light. Its an interesting dance now that I have a “single” life outside of having Lucas around 100% of the time. Yes, I do want a fantasmical romance and I’m positive I will have one someday. I tend to be a dreamy-eyed romantic and get lost in it, which I’m sure I’ll do to some degree but I really want to maintain harmony in my life. I want to dream and live big and keep my precious lil’ feet on the ground with my focus on the Lucas-prize to ensure my actions continue to follow our best intentions.

May we all live our heart’s biggest dreams!

Jai!

Firsts

"Ganesha" by Boise resident yogini Rachel Teannalach. Prints on sale at Sage Yoga & Wellness on 8th St. http://www.teannalach.com Image used with permission.

Just for “firsts” sake, I wanted to post this entry to record the date of Lucas’ first public yoga class! We took a family yoga class at the Sage studio today. He did great! He did a headstand in his very first class as an almost two year old!! Yay Bubba!! Way to teach us about just diving in to life head-first!

He also had a fun time watching and meeting all of the other kids, occasionally clinging to and climbing up my leg as I did the yoga poses, and stacking and knocking down the yoga blocks. Last summer at the Beloved Festival’s kid’s camp he was known as “Lucas the destroyer.” He is my beloved lil’ Shiva that is for sure!

I’d have to say the most beautiful display of Lucas’ heart at the studio today was when he went up to the gorgeous print of Ganesha (pictured above) and HUGGED it!! There was no prompting nor discussion from anyone that would’ve called his attention it. He was drawn to it on his own, walked right over to it, and actually said “Night-night” as he gave it a hug. It melted my heart!

I have this image on my phone and whenever he sees it he says “Daddy.” I’m not quite sure why, but I think it is beautiful especially as Ganesh is a very masculine deity whom can be called upon for protection and to remove fear, along with any real or perceived obstacle that gets in our way from obtaining our dreams.

So, in honor of all of the firsts that await all of us regardless of what stage of life we are in, lets call in the spirit-consciousness of Ganesha to help remove obstacles and protect our pure intentions. Om gan ganapataye namo namah!

Jai Ganesha!

Sunday Faith

Photo used under CC. http://www.flickr.com/photos/smemon/5783395594/in/photostream/

My post yesterday is making me laugh and feel a bit sheepish today. Its so funny how one day some things in our life can seem so large and the next, its no big deal.

Granted, yesterday was a parenting day from hell for me so I was prone to forgetting the magic of it all. Nothing, I repeat n o t h i n g went smoothly. An afternoon was wasted away all for the sake of an hour nap. I learned a big lesson. Which was, never let my son’s request for “night-night” an hour and a half earlier than his usual nap-time sway my schedule of events or just the thing I was hoping to prevent, a public meltdown, will be sure to happen. That was just one thing that taught me some parenting lessons.

Anyway, I am thankful for my post yesterday as it must’ve helped me clear some energies and open my cup back up to the present moment. I woke up feeling fully vital and grateful from the get-go today. Knowing that I have a Mommy-break (if there is such a thing) for the next three days definitely gave me some mental relief and an ability to find my center.

I just felt a deep sense of love and gratitude for myself straight away this morning. I am thankful for so much in my life. I am so blessed. I have a few amazing friends that I can count on and I love how when I see them or hear from them it feels like the perfect romance. There’s no need for me to *want* for anything. I already *have* everything. Ok, this is not entirely true. But I have so much already that brings me so much contentment and joy. Thank you Universe!

Its especially nice when seeing them coincides with decadent self-care like it did today while I got a pedicure from my dear friend of almost 20 years Brandi G. Lam aka Idaho’s Green Manicurist. Go see her if you haven’t yet!! She’s fabulous! www.brandiglam.com My feet are on display on her website, it makes me feel proud. : )

On my way home from seeing her one of my favorite songs, seriously one of the best songs ever made, came on in my car. It is the perfect song to remember in those moments when I feel a bit stuck and frozen in my sea of possibilities. So after my Flaming Lips playlist, I’ll put it on next as it is the icing on top!

If I were to have a theme song of all time, it would be this. And yes, you can play it at the pagan love-fest-dance-party of a “funeral” that someone puts together for me one day after I croak. Its *that* good and close to my heart. In fact, it was the first song I ever played to Lucas when he was in my belly via my headphones. Its the first song he ever heard! How rad is that?

I ❤ Thom Yorke and I ❤ Modeselektor.
Win. Win.

Happy Sunday!

Timelessness

exists all around us
in beauty, in creation
in love, in death
in song, in dance.
a vibration is infinite.

or maybe its more like a propelled boomerang…
spinning in the air until it arrives from whence it came.
either way, mindfully giving that which we want for ourselves and our children is key.

none of this is new to you i’m sure.
i just want to pay homage to the beauty of the world.
the beauty that is the world.
the pain and joy that is love.
the gift that is music.
the song that is my heart and dance.
the beat of my chest and rise of my breath.
the smile that is your face.
the love that is my son.
the mountains.
the sea.
the depths of me…..

there is so much glory surrounding us that its easy to forget.
there are always two ways of looking upon any experience or person.
whatever we wish to see we have to look for.
i’m learning and practicing and repeating the two.

tell me,
what inspires you…..

Top 10 Words

I must confess, I don’t actually even own a baby book for Lucas. But, I do know that I have been pretty good about keeping a log of his life via photos, posts online, and he even had his own blog for a little while over at http://stardelucas.blogspot.com/
which might get resurrected. I grew tired of the blogspot interface and wanted to try some other options out. Until I figure out where his blog will reside, I guess I will keep posting photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mamaheidijae/ and use this site as he is and has been the biggest inspiration for the culmination of all that is “Jae Mama!”

I have been meaning to write a list of his current vocabulary and keep track of them as they develop. I already feel like I can’t keep up with him as its apparent he speaks new sounds, words, sometimes combining them, to communicate with James or I at spit-fire pace. I don’t feel too bad now about not keeping up with our sign language as he knows a few signs and seems to be jumping right into voicing his needs. Although, I do think I will expand his sign language along side his speaking. It is a joy to watch him communicate and explore his world so full-heartedly. 🙂

So this is a list of his vocabulary, as of today, and the order in which he said them.

1st word: Mama – 7mo — Side note, I didn’t “count” this right away until it started happening frequently & with proper context.

2nd word: Dada – 8 or 9mo

3rd word: Bubba – 8 or 9mo

4th word: Dog  – 14mo   — Shortly after calling dogs, dog. All animals are called dog. Which shows me that he’s intelligent enough to know, ‘Hey, that aint no person, plant, or regular ol’ thing. Its a living breathing… dog.’ errr… animal.

5th word: Frog (pronounced: Og) – 14mo

6th word: Light  – 14mo — This quickly became his new favorite word. Sometimes, pronounced “I-ght.”

7th word: That –  15mo  — That/Dat replaced every other word that he’d learned for a while.

8th word: Done/All done. – 15mo  –Sometimes the “ne” is almost silent. And the “All done” is “Ah Do’n”

9th word: Zack – 15mo. — Which notes his first word/name of anyone outside of Mama, Dada, & Bubba. He sure loves his cousin Zack!

10th word: Ball. – 15.5 mo.  By far his new favorite word and thing… well, right along side the other “Ball” which really means is a balloon. When he spies one out in public he quickly proclaims: :”BALLOON!!! GIMME THAT BALLOON! LOOK ITS A BALLOON!!! ” Which is pronounced: “SQUEEK! SQUEAL! SCREAM!”

I may have somehow left a couple words out, and I very well could’ve transposed some of the words here… But essentially, this is “the list” which will someday take physical form so that Luke (as I am sometimes calling him now) can look back on them and appreciate his first words.

Jai!