The Next Chapter

Until I, or if I choose to, redirect this site to my new and permanent blog site: heidijae.wordpress.com, please tune into + share with me there! All of my posts from 2011 -2014 have been transferred. So maybe dive into my archive… If you dare to open that box. 😉 I feel that many of my posts are outdated, and truly they are. I haven’t had internet for almost two years, which played a part in stifling my writing process. I have received a few (ok infinite!) gifts recently that are bridging my writing gap. Yeehaw!!

I am still primarily writing on my ispirations and thoughts on yoga, spirit, consciousness, plus body-mind health & wellness. This definitely represents a new chapter, that eloquently and appropriately, the writings in this blog have given birth to! I am so excited to share with you and see how it all unfolds. Blessings to all.

Many thanks and one love!
Jai!♡

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7.23.12

What a day.

It started as most Mondays do for me; a little somber. The schedule my son’s father and I keep for now, gives me Saturday night and Sunday with Lucas. By the time Monday morning hits, I’m so attached to having him around, laughing with him, sharing him with family and friends that I’m sad to see him go. This morning was nothing less. I did my best to wade through the heaviness in my heart and enjoy my time getting him dressed, fed, and ready to go.

As most Mondays go, by the time I get downtown to do check-ins for a yoga class at Sage, I am in much better spirits. Which was definitely the case today as I knew I would be receiving a massage straight after doing my checkins from a woman that I highly regard as a bodyworker and massage therapist. She’s one of those people that you feel safe and loved with instantaneously. I am blessed to hear my clients say that about me, and I’m very glad to have someone I can go to like that, because I have a hard time trusting people. Its part of my journey into fully loving myself and others.

Since I was feeling so tender, I decided to share this with my friend. She walked me right into the center of my truth of my heart without effort and *flash!* the flood of my tears started. Well, some tears happened, but my heart was open and I was going to take full advantage of this opportunity to cleanse my heart space. I shared with her some recent shifts in my body, particularly my ankles and lower legs, that have been happening in my yoga practice that I am very excited about and are quite profound. Additionally they have radically enhanced my bodywork sessions with others as well. Because of this, I was hoping she would tend to my lower body (hips and below) to help bolster and support the opening of my heart. However, whether intentionally or not, she went right for the bulls-eye of my heart’s center.

I layed in the gorgeous, open space between white soft sheets facing down. Joyfully exhaling and coming into the moment and appreciating this woman with all of my heart. We have shared some very vulnerable spaces together and I trust her. I was so thankful to have her there for me today, knowing I did not have to get into my story with her and whatever it looked like, whatever I looked like, she would love and tend to me.

As she walked back into the space she started assessing my body with general compression and stretches. She lifted the sheet off of my back and dove right on in. I’m unsure of how much time she spent on my back, but it literally felt like she was removing layers and layers of protection and pain that I haven’t ever experienced so vividly during a massage. My mental awareness dropped down into my heart space and I saw images of my son’s father that morning. The way his hair and eyes looked and how I still love him. Yet in a beautifully painful way. I don’t believe we could ever be together again, but I do believe that I will never stop loving him.

Yesterday was a gift for what used to be my family of three. Following the Evolver Boise Locavore Potluck we had a few people together to do a fun-ride on our bikes. His father is a very active bike enthusiast/activist. His roommate was also there and I could tell how happy my son was that we were going on this mini parade where he knew and loved most of the people on their bikes. It really touched me because I want to give my son as much of a shared experience between his father and I as is humanly possible for a co-parenting situation. Because of this I choose to never stop admiring this man, which in turn could mean that I will end up with heartache on some level too. That’s ok with me. I had to wait until I graduated high-school for both sides of my family to have a meal together and I will never forget how happy I felt that day. It meant more to me than any of the gifts I received by far. It gave my heart what I yearned for and in its lack, created the protection that was being lifted away by the grace of one woman’s hands and heart.

As I lay on the massage table, visions of my ex from the night before, the familiarity of us riding bikes together, and just having him there to help when Lucas was getting too far out of my sight made me tender inside. Tears started flowing and I welcomed them, yet I could feel them wanting to take over the show and make myself cry uncontrollably. Maybe that would help, but the issue of my nose starting to run while face down put the kibosh on that and I simply rose up, wet-face and all and asked for some tissue.

As she continued with the treatment and moved to different areas of my body, the intensity waned. Yet, I never stopped tearing through out the whole session. My body felt like it was taken over by apathy and I was completely broken and numb. I know that between my mother and grandmother’s grief and loss stored in their DNA, which makes up my own, coupled with my grief from missing the both of them immensely, and more recently losing a nuclear family, I usually have a large weight of pain in my chest that keeps me guarded and distant. Truthfully, I doubt that if it weren’t for trusting this beautifully radiant woman and healer, to walk with me through it, I would’ve never seen the other side of the mountain today.

I left feeling keenly aware, exposed and raw. I knew how I needed tend to myself: water, good food, quiet space, meditation, and allowing my tears to flow. Still, I wanted distraction so I… tweeted. I went to twitter and read what the world was up to. One person I follow had begun tweeting some “conspiracy” tweets about the Aurora shootings. I was thankful to read them, merely because I had opened that can of worms on my feed the night before and I was hoping I wasn’t just being paranoid. But seeing @stopbeingfamous’ insight, I felt some sort of reassurance.

Yet, reassurance for what?! The Fk’d up situations of the world. As I continued upon my social media distraction train I landed on facebook. A very wise teacher of mine who lives in Colorado had posted a beautiful status about the community she shares and what they were doing on a particular day. She interwove the recent tragedies in a way of gracefully transitioning how we handle dark-energies and nurture them into loving ways. I absolutely adored her status, yet she also pointed towards a lack of community being the cause- neighbors not knowing each other well enough to notice odd behavior of a sociopath… ie kevlar suits, and probably ridiculous amounts of ammo and whatnot.

Reading this struck my “I can’t keep my mouth shut any more chord.” Not that I needed to speak out against what she said, but to the level of possibility that it is beyond this one man’s actions. Shortly thereafter my “status” became:

I forewarn you, this is 100% my opinion and experience. I share it because I can’t help but voice myself, my heart is breaking and my body is angry. Many people know that there were very select powers in charge that calculated tragic events to obtain their agenda. (Pearl Harbor & Sept 11th.) I fully believe in the POWER of the 99%/100% yet the 1% is scared shitless right now imho. It is highly possible, in a world where corrupt power has dominated through fear, force and aggression, that the recent events in Colorado were not just the actions and motives of just one man. I don’t bring this up to be all anti-government/”those” powers. I bring it up so that we can pay close attention to what comes out of this, particularly any laws to take away rights from our citizens. These laws and this fear needs to be nonviolently rejected, in my humble opinion. I know I can be an intensely passionate person, but I see that this level of peaceful, nonviolent protest needs to happen on every level of humanity in local communities. I feel and see the importance of coming together and create a better future- nonGMO, Earth-based consumerism, power, and manufacture. I’ve just had enough… its time to redesign. Oh, did I mention, NOW!? Thank you for allowing this space to rant Facebook/FBI, I don’t give a fuck.

With an addendum quickly following to ask that “ALL beings be free of suffering. Om mani padme hum.” I felt so much better after I wrote it, yet the magic came when I sat down on my yoga mat in order to let the sadness flow through me.

I cried.
I cried hard.
For the first time since my son was born, or maybe even conceived, I did not cry because of a personal story, wound, or because of my ancestor’s stories. I cried for the Earth. She told me that because I channel her for reiki (Mother Earth has been my reiki guide since 2002 which was well before I was a full-born Earth loving hippie or even accepted the concept.) that I also can channel her pain and she needed me to. I let my mouth drop open, I looked as though I was a woman in labor, moaning and rocking and crying in the truth of my pain. In these moments, I knew I was not at fault. I knew I had done nothing wrong. I knew that it was beautiful and I just needed to cry for her. Cry for all of the pain, known and unknown, on this planet. That since I have now chosen the additional role as an active member of Evolver that I have ownership of the world’s plight. Yet it isn’t going to break me. I just needed to morn for the collective. So I did.
It felt good.

I also received more confirmation, that we are experiencing a shortening of karma, which is also known as the quickening of time. I believe, and this internal vision/communication with spirit reinforced me, that the “next dimension” we are embarking upon is a melding of the material and spirit world. For many, this has already happened, and for others it will come. In this process, we are becoming more divine-like. Meaning, there is not once the “hierarchy” between the mortal man and angels, ascended masters, and guides. One reason why it is so imperative for us to tend to our physical bodies via food, exercise, and complimentary health systems is because we are going to have this union take effect regardless and when we aren’t in a high vibrational state, we are going to get our asses kicked much sooner than later.

So after I had a delicious slice of quiche and iced coffee, I went to work to do a couple of reiki-massage treatments. My first session was with someone who I have a special bond with. She’s been coming to me for at least 4 years, I have attuned her to reiki, and been her very own yoga-teacher in private sessions in her home. In 2011, shortly after my first visitations from Babaji Krishna & Jesus (one case of the thinning of the veil, the thinning of the hierarchal grid– greater access to ancient wisdoms.) I gave her a treatment and saw very clear images of DNA cords turning into ropes to assist her in a 3-dimensional space in her ascension process. This lead to revelations with the image of a cross overlaying the body, and the notion of forgiveness and trust in the body. As well as liberating our throat in the collective ascension process. The visualizations were much more elegant than I chose to give them in this post, but will share in more detail one day.

What was so special about our session today was this open, raw space between us that the healing in my heart had created. We established trust through sharing stories of the melding of spirit in our everyday worlds. We talked about the gifts we have both been receiving through the message of trust, which just so happened to be the angel card left out (not by me) on the shelf upon arriving to work that day, see below.

Angel cards at H'Jae Mama Healing Arts

Angel cards at H’Jae Mama Healing Arts

Trust is the main message of light-energy and ascension, that is to say, obtaining Christ(light)-like embodiments and living like true gods and goddesses in shared love, appreciation of life, and harmony with nature instead of fearing wrath and impending doom.

Today was a loaded day to say the least. One that took me back to the chosen role of healer of humanity. I had intentionally shut-off from the whole in my “initiation” process because everything had become too overwhelming for me. I needed my pregnancy to be about new life and love, I needed my first year postpartum to figure out myself as a mother and partner, and then I needed the following year to figure myself out as a single-mother. Which has bled into beyond a year and I am thankful for the commitment that I made to myself in my healing journey to sit with all of it and not mask it in any way. I have done a LOT of work. I feel like my healing treatment today took me through the “last stages” of sorrow and loss of relationship into an funnel for the Earth’s pain, and that I was a passing through a portal into a new, awakened, community-activated, human and humanitarian. One that I have been before, but never as a strong, capable, single mother.

Jai!

***

This evening on facebook Evolver posted a link to http://lawoftime.org/rainbow-bridge/rainbow-bridge-is-universal-peace.html which I found to be a blessed mark of the path in which to take this new level of awareness and concern. ❤

Fish – Leza Lowitz

Matsyasana (Click link for info on the Fish pose in yoga.)

I’ve been wanting to read this poem while teaching, but it hasn’t lined up quite yet. But given recent inspiration by way of my own humility, I recalled its message today. I think it has a nice Christmas feel to it as well. So instead of waiting to “teach” from it, I will share it now.

Boundless gifts of Love, Joy, and Peace to everyone on Earth during these heavenly & magical days.

Jai!

~*~

Open the heart

and the heart opens you~

salt of the creator

eye of the beholder

stretch your arms overhead

receive

the rainfall of pure clarity

and let it

come down.

Surrender to the boundless

earth, sea, and sky

place them like a garland

around the altar of life,

seal

a prayer for peace

at its base,

swim

in its mysteries,

unafraid of sinking.

Open the heart

and the heart opens you.

~*~

Yoga Poems. Lines to Unfold By.
Leza Lowitz

Firsts

"Ganesha" by Boise resident yogini Rachel Teannalach. Prints on sale at Sage Yoga & Wellness on 8th St. http://www.teannalach.com Image used with permission.

Just for “firsts” sake, I wanted to post this entry to record the date of Lucas’ first public yoga class! We took a family yoga class at the Sage studio today. He did great! He did a headstand in his very first class as an almost two year old!! Yay Bubba!! Way to teach us about just diving in to life head-first!

He also had a fun time watching and meeting all of the other kids, occasionally clinging to and climbing up my leg as I did the yoga poses, and stacking and knocking down the yoga blocks. Last summer at the Beloved Festival’s kid’s camp he was known as “Lucas the destroyer.” He is my beloved lil’ Shiva that is for sure!

I’d have to say the most beautiful display of Lucas’ heart at the studio today was when he went up to the gorgeous print of Ganesha (pictured above) and HUGGED it!! There was no prompting nor discussion from anyone that would’ve called his attention it. He was drawn to it on his own, walked right over to it, and actually said “Night-night” as he gave it a hug. It melted my heart!

I have this image on my phone and whenever he sees it he says “Daddy.” I’m not quite sure why, but I think it is beautiful especially as Ganesh is a very masculine deity whom can be called upon for protection and to remove fear, along with any real or perceived obstacle that gets in our way from obtaining our dreams.

So, in honor of all of the firsts that await all of us regardless of what stage of life we are in, lets call in the spirit-consciousness of Ganesha to help remove obstacles and protect our pure intentions. Om gan ganapataye namo namah!

Jai Ganesha!

ambiguous

Barren landscape up close
Photo use under CC.

formless form feeling full and frozen
ground under me and shoveling it over
to darken, bring warmth and support
the privacy of my own germination.
all i want is to receive.

i realize how important sleep is.
going. going. going. time’s gone.
cant catch up.
miss understandings. miss understood.

memories behind me always.
chapters unearthed in the winter.
all i can think about is, a-year-ago-i-was…
miss believing. miss trusting.

i’m buried
in purpose. purposely.
all the nourishment around me i could possibly need.
the illusion that its more pleasant living with active
fortitude of direction towards “the” radiant sunshiny life
pisses me off.

All this work, work, work
to fit in my work, work, work.

Works of heart.
Works of play.
Works of m one y.
Works of constantly cooking and cleaning.
Works of waiting.
Works of finding words.

I am tired
and fully vital.

This isn’t going anywhere it isn’t already.
A merry-go-round, a topsy-turvy fun-house.
A preverbal sighhh…
just found form, formless, fully frozen
in these letters here together.

Words ring true.

***
Poetry keeps me free.
I prefer the keeping something for myself, in my heart’s treasure box.
Occasionally I reveal more. But writing like this, and even publishing it publicly, is a exercise in vulnerability and creative free-writing.

Knowing that I do not want to share details, yet I do wish to let my feeling-tone through, is a nice perimeter to that which ends up creating itself. Much like Twitter’s rule of 140 characters per tweet. Which is one reason I like it. You have to re-evaluate the nonsense you feel like sharing randomly. Brilliant.

Of course, the one down-side to not fully disclosing my intentions or meaning is that it allows readers to interpret and perceive at will. Granted this always happens to a relative degree regardless.

That is all.

Jai

We Have Come To Be Danced – Jewel Mathieson

We have come to be danced
Not the pretty dance
Not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance
But the claw our way back into the belly
Of the sacred, sensual animal dance
The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance
The holding the precious moment in the palms
Of our hands and feet dance

We have come to be danced
Not the jiffy bobby, shake your booty for him dance
But the wring the sadness from our skin dance
The blow the chip off our shoulder dance
The slap the apology from our posture dance

We have come to be danced
Not the monkeysee, monkey do dance
One, two dance like you
One two three, dance like me dance
But the grave robber, tomb stalker
Tearing scabs and scars open dance
the rub the rhythm raw against our souls dance

We have come to be danced
not the nice invisible, self conscious shuffle
But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama
Shaman shakin ancient bones dance
The strip us from our casings, and return our wings
Sharpen our claws and tongues dance
The shed dead cells and slip into
The luminous skin of love dance

We have come to be danced
Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow end of the floor dance
But the meeting of the trinity: the body, breath, & beat dance
The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance
The mother may I?
Yes you may take 10 giant leaps dance
The olly olly oxen Free Free Free dance
The everyone can come to our heaven dance

We have come to be danced
Where the kingdoms collide
In the cathedral of the flesh to burn back into the light
To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray
To root in skin sanctuary
We have come to be danced
WE HAVE COME

The Power of Witness

My posts have been firing at a slow pace lately. As you may have noticed. This is not because I haven’t had the inspiration to write. It is actually quite the opposite. Life has been giving me such inspiration that I do not know how to funnel the experience into the written form, or if I should even try.

That was until yesterday. One of my massage appointments was with a woman that recently lost a son, early in his life, due to a terminal illness. This woman is the definition of grace and strength in my book and listening to her tell me her experience humbled me and stretched my heart. I could not stop my own tears from flowing.

It was a very beautiful thing to witness. It was a gift that she gave me and to others as she shares the Truth of her pain and experience.

I’ve been writing a lot about grief lately. I have been experiencing a lot of it in the last 8 years. It has been a twisted, dark path… trying to walk into the light after losing some of the only “security” a young-woman may have; the unwavering support and presence of her mother. (Disclaimer: even though my mom lives in a nursing home, it has not paralyzed her ability to support and love me. I know this more fully now.)

As I have walked out of this grief, and as I am walking out of the grief from losing the idea of my own-nuclear family more recently, it has been easy to see that not everyone is comfortable with pain, grief, or unpleasant emotions.

My “client” and teacher shared that only months after her loss friends and family are already asking if she’s better yet and essentially hoping for her to shift her Truth to one that fits their comfort level.

None of us are ever going to live a life without the experience of suffering, so why then does it make so many people uncomfortable? The answer is truly not important. What *is* important is speaking our Truths, regardless of another person’s receptivity or judgement. It can weed people out of your life that do not serve your growth, and teach in a multitude of ways and with as many lessons.

Many people who have grief hold muscular tension in their chest and neck. It has been my primary belief that this is primarily due to an increase of energetic and therefore informational processing occurring in the emotional heart which is facilitated by expression through the mouth and throat.

I have always correlated this muscular tension and holding as an indicator of a need to have an emotional release, and I still hold this to be relatively true. Yet what I learned yesterday, is that it is also a need to speak our truth. The grief process is just that, a process, and some people are well adept in allowing the emotions to pass as needed. Muscular tension will subside in that process, but tension might also be stemming from the stress of withholding what our Truth is. Speaking and sharing our stories is very important.

Grief, in my humble opinion, is the ultimate teacher for us all in our human experience. It allows us to know the depths of our heart, love, and gratitude. And eventually when we persevere, we actualize more of our pure potential.

For those of us who are able to understand our emotions, we need to speak and express them. Whenever we are called to. We are the teachers for those who may not have been nurtured to understand what their feelings are, or allowed to feel anything other than certain emotions that were acceptable. Others might not seem to “get it” right then, but that is not important. The intentional seed has been planted and God, or Source, will guide them as it fits their needs on their path.

For those of you in the grief process, my heart goes out to you. You are brave. You are a teacher. You are not weak because you don’t “snap out of it.” You have the ability to push your own boundaries and that of your fellow brothers and sisters.

May we all bear witness, in loving kindness, for those who suffer. May we give a gift of refuge through the grace of our witness and honor their perfect heart in realizing that nothing ever needs changing or fixing.

Again, for those of you grieving and brave enough to share your story, my heart goes out to you in gratitude.

Namasté.

***

Om Mani Padme Hum.
Shanti. Shanti. Shanti.

Jai!