A shameless post of love and gratitude for my son Lucas.
Parenthood is far less about teaching than it is about learning most of the time. Which truly is such a blessing. Granted, I think that statement applies to those parents that are choosing to “rewrite their story.” Which essentially means, paying attention and working your ass off at breaking through your ancestral and personal mental/physical/spiritual “boundaries” to avoid imposing them on your child, as best as you can. Which I do think all parents are concerned with. Its the nature of parenthood.
Last winter I wrote about my desire to organize and declutter my life in hopes of never leaving that sort of burden on my child like I unfortunately inherited by the time I was 26 and again at 33. (That post here: Self-organization) I had completely forgotten about that post, but as we entered into the Winter Solstice and I again contemplated what I would like to manifest for the upcoming year, I revisted it and was amazed by how much more I have cleared in past last year than I even knew I had to clear.
My relationship with Lucas’ father ending, plus moving out of my Union St house, and learning how to say no to “obligations” has allowed me to clear and cleanse so much. Trust me, I didn’t want to face all of these opportunities in disguise over the last year. It has easily been one of the hardest years of my life, if not *the* hardest. Lucas has been the buffer that has brought me so much Love and Joy that it made it easy to see what I was doing it all for anyway. It makes me feel like I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without him. Which leads me back to “Following.”
Thank you Lucasuarus Aurora Borealis for coming into my world!!
Even now, when I want life to hand me the easy path (eh-hem… Which btw Universe a lil’ easy path wouldn’t be so bad now and then if you know what I mean.) it doesn’t take me long to remember why I am being asked to do it.
If children are a burden, the burden they give us is exposing the light of our own illusions and ego. According to some, they are seen as Spirit coming through to test us and our ability to love and care for another outside of our needs and desires. I am so very thankful for the anchor that he has given to my physical existence. I can not bullshit myself any longer.
Its not like I didn’t already know these things as well. But he holds me accountable, or rather, my love for him holds myself accountable. I would never want to limit his potential, his confidence, his exposure to life and adventure because I didn’t do all that I could to push those boundaries in myself.
As this year comes to a close, I have been enjoying burning what seems to be the final stages of clearing my past from my Mother’s family in my woodstove. Its pretty awesome and liberating experience; heating your house with flames of burdens being carried away in smoke and ashes. Every time I burn through it, my living room and heart-space literally feel lighter and larger.
I have taken the time to set some intentions for the upcoming year and primarily it is to not lose site of my son being my guiding Light. Its an interesting dance now that I have a “single” life outside of having Lucas around 100% of the time. Yes, I do want a fantasmical romance and I’m positive I will have one someday. I tend to be a dreamy-eyed romantic and get lost in it, which I’m sure I’ll do to some degree but I really want to maintain harmony in my life. I want to dream and live big and keep my precious lil’ feet on the ground with my focus on the Lucas-prize to ensure my actions continue to follow our best intentions.
May we all live our heart’s biggest dreams!