7.23.12

What a day.

It started as most Mondays do for me; a little somber. The schedule my son’s father and I keep for now, gives me Saturday night and Sunday with Lucas. By the time Monday morning hits, I’m so attached to having him around, laughing with him, sharing him with family and friends that I’m sad to see him go. This morning was nothing less. I did my best to wade through the heaviness in my heart and enjoy my time getting him dressed, fed, and ready to go.

As most Mondays go, by the time I get downtown to do check-ins for a yoga class at Sage, I am in much better spirits. Which was definitely the case today as I knew I would be receiving a massage straight after doing my checkins from a woman that I highly regard as a bodyworker and massage therapist. She’s one of those people that you feel safe and loved with instantaneously. I am blessed to hear my clients say that about me, and I’m very glad to have someone I can go to like that, because I have a hard time trusting people. Its part of my journey into fully loving myself and others.

Since I was feeling so tender, I decided to share this with my friend. She walked me right into the center of my truth of my heart without effort and *flash!* the flood of my tears started. Well, some tears happened, but my heart was open and I was going to take full advantage of this opportunity to cleanse my heart space. I shared with her some recent shifts in my body, particularly my ankles and lower legs, that have been happening in my yoga practice that I am very excited about and are quite profound. Additionally they have radically enhanced my bodywork sessions with others as well. Because of this, I was hoping she would tend to my lower body (hips and below) to help bolster and support the opening of my heart. However, whether intentionally or not, she went right for the bulls-eye of my heart’s center.

I layed in the gorgeous, open space between white soft sheets facing down. Joyfully exhaling and coming into the moment and appreciating this woman with all of my heart. We have shared some very vulnerable spaces together and I trust her. I was so thankful to have her there for me today, knowing I did not have to get into my story with her and whatever it looked like, whatever I looked like, she would love and tend to me.

As she walked back into the space she started assessing my body with general compression and stretches. She lifted the sheet off of my back and dove right on in. I’m unsure of how much time she spent on my back, but it literally felt like she was removing layers and layers of protection and pain that I haven’t ever experienced so vividly during a massage. My mental awareness dropped down into my heart space and I saw images of my son’s father that morning. The way his hair and eyes looked and how I still love him. Yet in a beautifully painful way. I don’t believe we could ever be together again, but I do believe that I will never stop loving him.

Yesterday was a gift for what used to be my family of three. Following the Evolver Boise Locavore Potluck we had a few people together to do a fun-ride on our bikes. His father is a very active bike enthusiast/activist. His roommate was also there and I could tell how happy my son was that we were going on this mini parade where he knew and loved most of the people on their bikes. It really touched me because I want to give my son as much of a shared experience between his father and I as is humanly possible for a co-parenting situation. Because of this I choose to never stop admiring this man, which in turn could mean that I will end up with heartache on some level too. That’s ok with me. I had to wait until I graduated high-school for both sides of my family to have a meal together and I will never forget how happy I felt that day. It meant more to me than any of the gifts I received by far. It gave my heart what I yearned for and in its lack, created the protection that was being lifted away by the grace of one woman’s hands and heart.

As I lay on the massage table, visions of my ex from the night before, the familiarity of us riding bikes together, and just having him there to help when Lucas was getting too far out of my sight made me tender inside. Tears started flowing and I welcomed them, yet I could feel them wanting to take over the show and make myself cry uncontrollably. Maybe that would help, but the issue of my nose starting to run while face down put the kibosh on that and I simply rose up, wet-face and all and asked for some tissue.

As she continued with the treatment and moved to different areas of my body, the intensity waned. Yet, I never stopped tearing through out the whole session. My body felt like it was taken over by apathy and I was completely broken and numb. I know that between my mother and grandmother’s grief and loss stored in their DNA, which makes up my own, coupled with my grief from missing the both of them immensely, and more recently losing a nuclear family, I usually have a large weight of pain in my chest that keeps me guarded and distant. Truthfully, I doubt that if it weren’t for trusting this beautifully radiant woman and healer, to walk with me through it, I would’ve never seen the other side of the mountain today.

I left feeling keenly aware, exposed and raw. I knew how I needed tend to myself: water, good food, quiet space, meditation, and allowing my tears to flow. Still, I wanted distraction so I… tweeted. I went to twitter and read what the world was up to. One person I follow had begun tweeting some “conspiracy” tweets about the Aurora shootings. I was thankful to read them, merely because I had opened that can of worms on my feed the night before and I was hoping I wasn’t just being paranoid. But seeing @stopbeingfamous’ insight, I felt some sort of reassurance.

Yet, reassurance for what?! The Fk’d up situations of the world. As I continued upon my social media distraction train I landed on facebook. A very wise teacher of mine who lives in Colorado had posted a beautiful status about the community she shares and what they were doing on a particular day. She interwove the recent tragedies in a way of gracefully transitioning how we handle dark-energies and nurture them into loving ways. I absolutely adored her status, yet she also pointed towards a lack of community being the cause- neighbors not knowing each other well enough to notice odd behavior of a sociopath… ie kevlar suits, and probably ridiculous amounts of ammo and whatnot.

Reading this struck my “I can’t keep my mouth shut any more chord.” Not that I needed to speak out against what she said, but to the level of possibility that it is beyond this one man’s actions. Shortly thereafter my “status” became:

I forewarn you, this is 100% my opinion and experience. I share it because I can’t help but voice myself, my heart is breaking and my body is angry. Many people know that there were very select powers in charge that calculated tragic events to obtain their agenda. (Pearl Harbor & Sept 11th.) I fully believe in the POWER of the 99%/100% yet the 1% is scared shitless right now imho. It is highly possible, in a world where corrupt power has dominated through fear, force and aggression, that the recent events in Colorado were not just the actions and motives of just one man. I don’t bring this up to be all anti-government/”those” powers. I bring it up so that we can pay close attention to what comes out of this, particularly any laws to take away rights from our citizens. These laws and this fear needs to be nonviolently rejected, in my humble opinion. I know I can be an intensely passionate person, but I see that this level of peaceful, nonviolent protest needs to happen on every level of humanity in local communities. I feel and see the importance of coming together and create a better future- nonGMO, Earth-based consumerism, power, and manufacture. I’ve just had enough… its time to redesign. Oh, did I mention, NOW!? Thank you for allowing this space to rant Facebook/FBI, I don’t give a fuck.

With an addendum quickly following to ask that “ALL beings be free of suffering. Om mani padme hum.” I felt so much better after I wrote it, yet the magic came when I sat down on my yoga mat in order to let the sadness flow through me.

I cried.
I cried hard.
For the first time since my son was born, or maybe even conceived, I did not cry because of a personal story, wound, or because of my ancestor’s stories. I cried for the Earth. She told me that because I channel her for reiki (Mother Earth has been my reiki guide since 2002 which was well before I was a full-born Earth loving hippie or even accepted the concept.) that I also can channel her pain and she needed me to. I let my mouth drop open, I looked as though I was a woman in labor, moaning and rocking and crying in the truth of my pain. In these moments, I knew I was not at fault. I knew I had done nothing wrong. I knew that it was beautiful and I just needed to cry for her. Cry for all of the pain, known and unknown, on this planet. That since I have now chosen the additional role as an active member of Evolver that I have ownership of the world’s plight. Yet it isn’t going to break me. I just needed to morn for the collective. So I did.
It felt good.

I also received more confirmation, that we are experiencing a shortening of karma, which is also known as the quickening of time. I believe, and this internal vision/communication with spirit reinforced me, that the “next dimension” we are embarking upon is a melding of the material and spirit world. For many, this has already happened, and for others it will come. In this process, we are becoming more divine-like. Meaning, there is not once the “hierarchy” between the mortal man and angels, ascended masters, and guides. One reason why it is so imperative for us to tend to our physical bodies via food, exercise, and complimentary health systems is because we are going to have this union take effect regardless and when we aren’t in a high vibrational state, we are going to get our asses kicked much sooner than later.

So after I had a delicious slice of quiche and iced coffee, I went to work to do a couple of reiki-massage treatments. My first session was with someone who I have a special bond with. She’s been coming to me for at least 4 years, I have attuned her to reiki, and been her very own yoga-teacher in private sessions in her home. In 2011, shortly after my first visitations from Babaji Krishna & Jesus (one case of the thinning of the veil, the thinning of the hierarchal grid– greater access to ancient wisdoms.) I gave her a treatment and saw very clear images of DNA cords turning into ropes to assist her in a 3-dimensional space in her ascension process. This lead to revelations with the image of a cross overlaying the body, and the notion of forgiveness and trust in the body. As well as liberating our throat in the collective ascension process. The visualizations were much more elegant than I chose to give them in this post, but will share in more detail one day.

What was so special about our session today was this open, raw space between us that the healing in my heart had created. We established trust through sharing stories of the melding of spirit in our everyday worlds. We talked about the gifts we have both been receiving through the message of trust, which just so happened to be the angel card left out (not by me) on the shelf upon arriving to work that day, see below.

Angel cards at H'Jae Mama Healing Arts

Angel cards at H’Jae Mama Healing Arts

Trust is the main message of light-energy and ascension, that is to say, obtaining Christ(light)-like embodiments and living like true gods and goddesses in shared love, appreciation of life, and harmony with nature instead of fearing wrath and impending doom.

Today was a loaded day to say the least. One that took me back to the chosen role of healer of humanity. I had intentionally shut-off from the whole in my “initiation” process because everything had become too overwhelming for me. I needed my pregnancy to be about new life and love, I needed my first year postpartum to figure out myself as a mother and partner, and then I needed the following year to figure myself out as a single-mother. Which has bled into beyond a year and I am thankful for the commitment that I made to myself in my healing journey to sit with all of it and not mask it in any way. I have done a LOT of work. I feel like my healing treatment today took me through the “last stages” of sorrow and loss of relationship into an funnel for the Earth’s pain, and that I was a passing through a portal into a new, awakened, community-activated, human and humanitarian. One that I have been before, but never as a strong, capable, single mother.

Jai!

***

This evening on facebook Evolver posted a link to http://lawoftime.org/rainbow-bridge/rainbow-bridge-is-universal-peace.html which I found to be a blessed mark of the path in which to take this new level of awareness and concern. ❤

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This Man [video. please watch.]

puts in words the experience of womanhood better than any other woman I’ve heard explain it to me. Thats not to say that women haven’t been saying it, but I hearing a man say it to me, right now, is healing in profound ways.

There is a lot I’d like to say and will eventually say about the nature of the concepts of womanhood and womb energy that we hold all in our bodies. Men and women alike. This video sums it up for me in ways that break my heart in beauty. Roughly 9 minutes in a second lecture is taped. For me, it was the most important. Please listen to all of it though!

In seeking these words and waiting for them, I haven’t had the “key” to be able to do it just yet. But this man has helped me find them. Its so wonderful! Hearing him speak them is a testament to his message that he is brave enough to really stand behind them.

Men, this is so important for us to witness in you and trust me, we do see it. Thank you!

I have an epic amount of love from these words and the experiences that have brought them to me. They’re all about to come together and pour out of me. I am so excited to share and to commit to something so fully and give the level of focus and open-space-creativity the words need.

In closing, these are very auspicious times and I implore you to watch this. Its. That. Important.

Boundlessness expressions of joy to all of you.~ ~ *
Jai!

Grieving

… is Receiving.

It too is a gift.When we give ourselves the time and space to let it pour through our hearts, bodies, and maybe even our eyes. It opens us up and allows more to come in and through.

Grief affirmations or mantras:

  • I cultivate my empowerment through expressing and releasing my grief.
  • I am not my grief, but my awareness of my grief.
  • I open myself up to more Light, Love, and Joy in this cleansing process.
  • I am Love in all of its forms. I am Love.
  • I give myself this time to grieve, and then I return to me, to be. (A great tool if you just want to give yourself a specific amount of time to sit with the grief.)
  • Om Mani Padme Hum // May all beings to be free from suffering.
Grief is often a sign of transformation occurring in our lives. When we come into an awareness of our new-found growth, joys, or place in life through the experience we grieve, we can bring our perspective into that of gratitude.
Freely forgive yourself for wanting to judge your grief process, if that comes up for you as it can for me, and remind yourself that we will always be children of the Universe. We will always be learning and growing. Give yourself permission to Love yourself as though you are your own child; unconditionally.
Turning to creative outlets in the process of grief is a wonderful tool for emotions to come into form and leave your body. Tears do not have to be synonymous with grief, although they can be helpful! Paint, draw, write, turn to music, or move through deeply seeded emotions without any need to understand them. Eventually, there might even come a feeling of gratitude or celebration for the process of the grief itself.
* Do you have any rhythms or rituals surrounding your grief process? 
* What creative outlets do you turn to, to release or comfort yourself through grief? 
* Do you have a favorite affirmation or mantra to support your grief process? 
In celebration for the gift of life, Jai!

Where it all begins

One challenge that I encounter in writing is feeling like I come across as some “know-it-all” who is force-feeding you “ME” the whole time. Ugh, trust me that is not my intention! I owe so much to those that have come before me. Yet I do appreciate having gained the wisdom to share through potentially years, or months, or maybe just a moment of hard work (or play.)

None of us can do it alone. We need each other,  every “insignificant” one of us on the face of the planet affects the other. I use the term “insignificant” to suggest those in a position other than a teacher, role-model, or coach. In my passion and excitement in connecting with life coaches on the internet and reading blogs lately, I can sometimes feel a sense of separateness as I read them. In a ‘I-was-there-once-kid-so-let-me-tell-ya-how-its-done’ sort of tone. This is not my truth. I do not wish to proclaim that I am done, for I will always be learning and my truth is also in sharing that eternal process with you.

We are all in this together and learning from each other. It is my greatest intention to be on the same level as those I am helping, and to be seeking to raise us higher. I believe I can do this best by being 100% transparent. Full disclosure. Full honesty. Living and expressing my truth and in such, sharing my pitfalls and flaws. I have witnessed others being brave enough to do the same and I always learn from them in the process.

All of this is to say, that it all begins with each and every one of us. We are each other’s teachers. When we have formed a heart-bond, we will learn even more but even the people that we encounter in the grocery store, in lines, or traffic can share a myriad of information, all in perfect design for whomever happens to be there in that moment to witness it. We are all guided, in one massive symphony to resonate or display contrast in each other’s company.

I would like to give thanks to some of my greatest teachers. My gratitude for these experiences and teachers runs deep. They are at the heart of all the wisdom that I share, and they have all taught me in their own way that my wisdom is not “mine”at all, it is a gift. Ultimately that is why I must share it. I must give it freely so life may continue to create itself, as it does, infinitely.

Thank you:

  • Suffering. Ah my prickly friend and greatest teacher. A favorite Eckhart Tolle quote of mine is: “Suffering is the light of consciousness.” Oh how it stings so beautifully sweet! My suffering truly is the only thing that has given me deep wisdom. It has been a treacherous path at times, but after a long hard climb, I am so grateful for the higher perspective and outlook on life. Yet I know there is more ahead so I am so very humble in this gratitude. Thank you.
  • My mother and grandmother. My mother has induced a lot of my suffering, but her ultimate gift to me has been through her unconditional love. My mother was mentally ill, a codependent wife to an alcoholic (my step-dad), and ended up in a nursing home by the age of 55 in what I feel was a slow and unsuccessful attempt at killing herself after losing her husband in a tragic accident. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from this. Yet my point in bring it up is that she has suffered a great deal. She essentially lost all the freedoms in her life at a very young age. She could have reacted by being very angry and bitter. Instead, she shares more love and joy for every thing and every one in her life than anyone I know and that is NO exaggeration in the least. Thank you.
  • My son. Loving him unconditionally has taught me what the human heart is capable of. I never knew how rich love could be before my dear boy. I also never felt a palpable range of what forgiveness and self-forgiveness, or the lack-thereof, could do to prevent or encourage energetic growth in the human-body until he was in my life. Thank you.
  • Lori Tindall. I am a very blessed person and somehow I must have got something right in a lifetime somewhere down the line for the grace that brought her into my life. After being hit the hardest- my mother’s strokes and in the deepest pits of healing that my life has seen, I was blessed by her presence and lucky enough to explore Universal energy, reiki, and yoga with her. It seems as though we were both brought together by prayers; hers for a reliable massage therapist to lease a room and mine: something to save my life. Words will never express the gratitude in my heart. Thank you.
  • Plant medicine. I am discovering the depths of consciousness and intelligence on our Earth and Universe and I have to thank the wondrous world of plants for their quiet and fragile place in that. If we listen to our selves long enough, we will discover we have so much to learn from them through our food, herbal remedies, supplements, beauty, environments, and in sacred practice. I have just begun to learn from you, but it is a life-long journey and one that I am sure that I have embarked upon life-times ago. Thank you.
  • Yoga. I love you! You are the shit! My goodness the wisdom and energy that the ancient sages put forth thousands of years ago, that we are just now starting to “validate” with science… amazing! Yoga is Union, and it brings it all hOMe for me. Everything: spirituality, health, the mind, the body, our Universe. Oh…. Yoga, I love you, L O V E you. I laugh in writing this because I heard the words in my head: How silly… none of this would even *be* to thank, without yoga. 🙂 Ahh, I believe it to be true. Thank you.

In closing, who and what are your teachers? How have they played a role in giving you what you now give back to the world or wish to? Has someone unlikely helped you recently? Please share… 

This post inevitably made me think of this beautiful song:

Jai!

New Moon Inspiration. Gemini. 2011.

Moon dusting off the old.

The ghosts of DNA,

deep deep darkness

unconsciousness made conscious.

Blackness illuminated.

This experience is wrapped with a bow.

…a bow, of gratitude.

Wait, wrapped in a bow?

I meant a moat.

A moat that IS the castle-

the destination; immersion.

G’head get dirty, feel it, touch it and wear it within.

Within all that you meet. Let the darkness define

the white, glossy smile of your teeth.

***
My ghost is the shield of security my heart space has created… long ago, a few years back, and of course again recently. My soul has partially escaped each time. Its been seeking to return to the Cosmos, yet also committed in sacred contract to this lovely form I call home, aka my body. Divided and protected, I can never win. So its time to undo and redo.

Family is redefining itself in every avenue. My blessings- my teachers- reiki, bodywork; my healers, yogins, and Angels. They’re helping me hear the whisper:  ‘It is safe. It is safe. It is safe to Love… and be Loved!!’

Moats don’t have to be muddy, they surely represent the unknown depth of our emotion. Yet doesn’t that mean that once cleared, it is Love deeper than I’ve known? That it is joy expressed and felt more richly than I have known since youth? And Peace that has shown its face to me in mountaintops, yet that I know is as accessible to me as the dishes stacked in my sink.

The whispers I’ve been gifted through all of this, are my saving Grace. I have never been so vulnerable, malleable, and powerful… capable of intense, radical transformation.

…so Dark, yet sure of the presence of Light.

This Light is the seed of God and wisdom, found  sitting in my belly and guided by my body and heart’s symphony. My third eye is able to see God’s vision, my vision, and my royal Crown chakra- realizing that none of this is mine. I am merely a vessel to do Gods work. I give in, I surrender. I release… I feel the sadness from my heart’s attachments but all I know is that I am a child wrapped in a Divine embrace. Just as my son cries from the lack of awareness or understanding… I trust that I am a child, an infant of God and what I need abounds me.

I pray:

to not forget myself for I know SHe never has.

to continue to hear my heart and Angels wisdom; synchronistic, symbolic, and dreamed.

to have the heart- the courage, to let my mind go. let the critic go. let the fear go.

to remember: I am safe; to love, to be loved, to laugh. …and play. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval.

to forgive myself for wanting to judge- myself and others. And to release and remember: it is safe… to love and be loved. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval. G’head… laugh at the old way. Why not? It is silly, now that I can see.

Lastly yet foremost, I pray to be guided to live my life in such a way that I am harmoniously serving myself, my family, Mother Earth, and all Life in purity for the highest good of all involved.

Om Shanti Namaste.

Jai!