Om Ma Durga Om

Appreciating Durga today.

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The divine goddess of love and motherhood. She loves so fiercely that within her being is every “weapon” that spiritual warriors could posses. Her presence radiates beauty, confidence, acceptance, and strength… she has the loving awareness to witness all “evil, darkness, ego” gone astray with such divine power that the “evil, darkness, ego” wishes be released from itself. It simply offers itself to her to die under the swiftness of her sword.

At least, this is the way I understand her, taught to me by Dr. Manoj Chalam.

Karmic reweaving of mother/child-hood has been thick, in my sleeping and waking dreams the last few days. In this I experience prophetic dreams, symbolic messages, vibrational detoxes, and toddler-triggers galore!

Yesterday, my sweet toddler was pushing every button I had. I saw and felt my reactions and equally rose above said triggers and unconsciously reacted to them. When I reacted, I immediately felt what I was doing to my child, and to myself, by being angry. I communicated as best I could to him that I was reacting poorly and that I was sorry for my lack of patience.

In fleeting moments of silence, or in split seconds of post-trigger awareness, I would quickly pray. “Dear God, Great Spirit, please forgive me and guide me to be a better mother.”

I knew better than to believe I was a shitty parent and horrible mother. Sure, I felt that way, but I knew better than to let my heart attach itself to the sticky entrapment of misery presenting itself to me. Yet it took an unwavering commitment to say NO to it, every time.

Before going to sleep I was following through with a few logistical texts with our baby’s nanny, and friend in the spirit tribe in Boise. I let her know I was going to bed, and thus I did not see her replies until morning. Her last text to me, wished that I be filled with white light. Which she’d never said via text before.

It was sweet to read upon waking, as she didn’t know of the internal struggle I was challenged with and it was also supportive of the guidance that came to my dreams that night:

I was in a large stadium with people I knew and didn’t know. I found my 4 year old son there and he informed me that he was like his Dad and he has coyote medicine within him. Coyote is a shape shifter, and also a bit of a PLAYful instigator I believe. This gave me an “ah-ha” within my being and helped me understand why he is the way he is. Read: why I get triggered the way I do. 😉

I then was given an assignment to teach yoga in the stadium and I knew it had to be a heart-centric practice so that people could feel the loving acceptance I was feeling after my “ah-ha.” I was walking to where I would be teaching and I had an invisible presence next to me whispering that I create a perfect mantra for this experience. The presence felt masculine, and fatherly. He was helping me with my mantra as I would hope to help my son learn: patiently. As we walked the conversation went like this:

What would be best to start the mantra with?

….Om. Yes Om, the sound of creation.

Yes. That is good. And what shall follow it? What makes YOU feel loved?

Durga! Yes Durga should follow Om!

(Silent presence, knowing there’s a better answer.)

Oh wait, Ma! Ma Durga!

Very well! And let it finish with Om too. 🙂

Om Ma Durga Om!

I felt love and loved, and full of joy! The feeling increased every time I repeated it and I also felt so happy to have created just the right mantra to use in the waking dream to give me power on my path. I awoke shortly after.

I have a feeling that it was either one of my most relied upon teachers Babaji, or very likely Maharaj-ji visiting me in my dreams. I have been reading Maharaj-ji influences a lot lately through Ram Dass’ book Be Love Now for a book club I recently put in motion.

Shadow work, ie Karmic reweaving, is powerful when you arm yourself with awareness. I am thankful for the love of Durga and that of the True Christ that resides in my heart. I am thankful that my soul is armed in the soft, white feathers of owl and can wisely navigate within darkness. I am happy to have love in my home plus circles upon circles of divine beauty and embodiment in friendships in my city.

We should all be so lucky.

A Ceremonial Story of Love and Gratitude.

When someone asks you if you want to be the one to “marry” them, its definitely an unexpected surprise. Well, unless your regular job includes standing in front of pews and waxing religion on the regular. 

Mine, sure enough, does not however so I was astonished when I was asked and felt like it was the icing to my professional “portfolio” cake! I’ve been blessed to be present for transformative healing work via massage and bodywork, as a birth-doula, and even assisting as much as I could to comfort terminal illness. Yet, no wedding ceremonies…

Mind you, I’ve been a member of 7 different wedding parties and dreamed of my own wedding for as long as I can remember, yet I haven’t been gifted that opportunity.

But being asked to stand in front of 80ish people, and be the voice of a ceremony, captured in hearts forever, definitely felt a little scary. 

I’ve had a history of shutting my voice down, or e x t r e m e l y amplifying it when highly emotional. I’ve played large roles in ruining relationships because of this. Pay no mind to the abandonment issues behind the curtain as well here folks. 😉

But when Neva, a beloved client of a few years, asked ME of all people to stand before her, her fiancé and their family to serve as the officiant of their wedding I could not say no, regardless of personal fears. My heart was ecstatic with the joy of being a part of her ceremony and serving her heart and love somehow. 

Neva is a fire-cracker of a human being. She loves fearlessly and uses her life as a vessel of change for the world. In the time that I’ve known her she’s touched countless children’s and people’s lives with the non-profit work she tirelessly works towards. 

As most of my clients are encouraged to do, she picked up a yoga practice to support her sessions with me, and her needs for health and vitality in order to maintain her fervent life of servitude. I, of course, suggested she go to Sage Yoga & Wellness as it was my favorite studio in Boise– even before I started working there myself. Once I transitioned to working at Sage, one of my most favorite aspects of being there were the fleeting smiles and hugs from her as she rushed to or fro her noon-time class. 

As I stood at the front of the group, my heart was pounding yet, a heavy sensation of presence laid upon my body and calmed me. I was deeply grounded in the spirit of the beautiful landscape, Hansen Guest Ranch in Swan Valley, ID. The guests were radiant and they calmed me with their individual allure, sitting in rows amongst golden dry grass, with a gorgeous low-lying sun, kissing the glory of a father walking his daughter down the aisle. Her smile, from ear-to-ear, and head-bobbing between looking up to see it all and shying away, in her emotion and tears. 

I was surprised by the tears welling up inside of me! I thought to myself: ‘No, no… NEVA is supposed to be the gusher… not you!! Get yourself in check Heidi!’ Instantly I stuffed my tears and emotions and remembered my purpose there that day… to hold space and speak clearly. 

I was so nervous. I have a long-standing fear (and joy) of sharing my passions in front of a group, especially when it involves speaking. I have been tirelessly trying to shed this fear, signing myself up for opportunities left and right that push me outside of my comfort zone. Which I knew being the officiant would do, yet I also knew the level of my own failure at this, in my past attempts- a shaky frail voice, scattered thoughts and ramblings, and a huge ball of ‘what a loser!’ thoughts that take over my head and heart.  

That day when I practiced with the wedding party, parts of that self showed up. My voice wobbled. I messed up the  words- big time, calling Swan Valley Sun Valley and in general got confused about the ceremony’s flow. A part of me wanted to cry, but the big ball of “what a loser!” was too big to let the tears come through. 

My son was with my boyfriend and I for the weekend, he was being a super-duper-hell-fire-toddler. Which is what sitting in a car for hours on end, with no naps, and a lack of sleep will do. This played to my benefit when I took a solo-trip in the truck to try to coax him to sleep. With a few minutes alone with my thoughts, I knew it was my chance to get rid of my big ball of lame and reclaim my power. I thought.. ‘Hmmm, what could I do to strengthen my voice?’ Immediately spirit claimed: CHANT! ‘Oh yes, the chakra seed sounds. I’ll chant to strengthen my throat… plus this used to always put Lucas to sleep!’

I began Lam, Vam, Ram, Yam, Ham, Om’ing in style. Over and over. Feeling the ball of ick and simultaneously feeling my light, and doing my best to diffuse the ball of ick and reclaim that portion of my body. The vibration of the mantra, both in meaning and its sound took over and dusted all the little remnants of ‘ick’ out of me! I felt like myself again! It was great. 

I knew I wasn’t quite done yet. I now had my body back, but I needed to start the process of calling in my spiritual entourage for support. Ganesha showed up first, as he often likes to do, to help me create a safe and strong transition into my potential-loaded moments as the officiant. I chanted to Ganesha and felt his masculine protection and knew through my experiences and faith that his energy would show itself. 

As I fueled up the truck on the way back to our lil’ Sleepy J Cabin, I prayed. I called upon the rest of my multi-denominational crew and felt even more nourishment… yet a little too much nervous excitement, and just wanted to get it started and over with. 

When I got back to the cabin, my boyfriend helped me and reminded me that it was about Neva and Dave and just to keep that in mind when I’m speaking. Which did help me focus on my intension of why I was doing it in the first place. 

Yet as I stood up in front of the guests, watching Neva and her father walk down the aisle, next to Dave and his beautiful children serving as best man and maid of honor, I knew I had the heart to hold the space of the ceremonial words and love for the entire group. I wanted to be heard by everyone there. I wanted to represent Neva, Dave, and family and reflect the awesomeness of every person that was there, back to themselves. 

The level of pride, honor, or ungodly emotion that I was feeling just made my lil’ self-critic, doubting voice disappear. I was in the presence of Godliness and I was about to let my Goddess shine.

Still, I did not know this at the time. I felt it, but wasn’t until retrospect set in, that I could even put words to it. 

I loved standing up there, seeing the details of the clothing and expression in the bride and grooms faces. Looking around and seeing the eyes of the familiar and newly acquainted faces that offered their presence to me. I loved the message of the ceremonial vows that Neva, Dave, and I co-created. I loved seeing the love and innocence of the children looking up at the parents of this newly forming family, their gestures of love in hugs and hand holding. 

I loved that Neva and Dave really wanted to honor their guests and how I  ended up weaving it into such a large part of the ceremony. I loved that we all focused our attention and hearts towards the Metta prayer. I again, felt, the power of this group and my body turned ancient. My legs, my body, my being, solid as stone. 

After the ceremony, I enjoyed waiting and walking out with the guests. And another one of my long time beloved clients was in the audience and helped me carry the stones that acted as the altar space at the head of the ceremony. Before I could even make back to drop off the stones and join the rest of the wedding party, I was stopped and told by a guest that she was deeply moved in the ceremony and it was very special in many ways to her. I could see it in her eyes and feel it in her as well. It sounds cliché, but I truly could see my inner godliness shining back at me through her eyes. The experience of Namasté. 🙂 (Side note, this guest had traveled from Tokyo just to be there. What love!)

When I joined the wedding party, near the outdoor bar area for a toast, two magnificent bald eagles flew within 20-30 feet of us, slowly encircling us and  some trees in the grove. I was literally ecstatic and the moment I saw them, I grabbed Neva’s shoulder so she too would see them right away. 

Bald Eagles represent very high spirit energy, truly the highest in the region of Americas we call home. I took it as a sign from my spiritual entourage that it was a job well done, gratitude for us to pay homage to & empower the Metta prayer, and proof of the presences of the mother and father that have passed, between both bride and groom. 

Little did anyone, or does anyone that was present know, this event reclaimed my life in ways that I don’t even understand fully. In the past 2-3 weeks, I did a hypnotherapy session to release unconscious pain and suffering embedded within my body and through this, connected to an experience that I’d always intuited… that of me being hung for witchcraft in a former life. Once a witch always a witch… 😉 Now, and I assume then, I always use my magic to bring love, light, and healing into the world for the benefit of all of its creatures. 

In my prep for serving this ceremonial space that day, the image of the wound area and the turquoise and pink light that healed me returned yet again. But this time, to remind me that it is the newly embedded “story” within my throat and heart-space. 

Besides the birth of my son, I can easily say that serving in Neva’s ceremony was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever done with this lil’ ol’ life known as Heidi J.

Thank you for reading and blessings to you and yours~*

Metta prayer:

May all beings: have fresh clean water to drink, have food to eat, have someone to share love with, have a home, find their true purpose, be well and happy, and be free of suffering. 

 

Summer Lovin

is what I do.

I love all the time.
I love my, eh-hem… job?, all of the time.
I love reiki-massage, and my thirst for life.

I love touching a person gently and not knowing, or caring to discern “why” (relatively).
I love giving a person source-energy and talking with them about life and love.
I love when people tell me that they feel safe with me and no one else.

I love when people fall asleep and wake themselves up from auditory-confirmations of their said relaxed state.
I love when it becomes electric-lightning and suddenly jolts their body into a new consciousness!
I love when a gentle moment is heard in a soft exhalation.
I love my tingsha bells.
I love the vibration of purity and the song it makes in between.
I love your anger and your tears.
I love my own.
I love Palo Santo.

I love the quiet comfort of the northend home in which I practice.
I love the people on foot and bikes outside, and even my occasionally noisy neighbor when he randomly shouts out “belly button,” and I realize its truly a message from above… or beside.

*

I love placing stones on you.
I love that you bring your own and I have mine.
I love that we share.
I love that I see you not only here, but there.
I love that this is ours, our city, our experience, our friendship, our Earth-ship!!
Yes! I do love getting carried away in flow…
Oh Boise,
I love our river.

The water, the earth-mother, she blesses us and takes us back into her every time we gently lay our feet near her bed. When we rest our head, near her current, trusting her presence, breathing our blessings.

Thank you great mOther.
In Oneness, we share her.

Om~~*

Photo used under CC. http://www.flickr.com/photos/devolva-me/6556347333/OMomOMomOMomOMomOMomOMomOM

**

Let us meet at our river beds, make art, share love, dance, praise, swim, and sing of our heart’s greatest dreams! Jai!

Photo used under CC. http://www.flickr.com/photos/devolva-me/6556347333/

Waves lapping

Aside

my warm heart slowly melting golden,
dripping down to the ground.
A tree, my Self,
softening and sapping.

Yellow, orange, amber
rolling down, down, closer to the ground
into one another. Blending with
light, sight and your eyes.

Waves lapping,
ocean of time
beyond my mind and
in my breath.

Ardha Chandrasana,
a balancing waxing/waning moon.

Butterfly wing,
heart kisses.
Eyes of my child
fasten my root to earth.

And to my infinite mother
thank you.

“The Power of Woman is Love

And when a woman doesn’t receive, or is acknowledged by sharing this, woman’s biggest power is not available to us.” – Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

These videos (attached below) came my way via a yoga teacher today and I am loving the messages in this, the second of the 3-part series. Cesar also speaks to his own femininity in the first video, which goes to show that men have this inherent power of Love and nurturing from within. It is more natural to woman, yet not hidden from men.

The concepts spoken of in these videos of “not fighting Mother Nature,” to Witness another and allow them to be in order to gain trust, respect, loyalty and eventually love speaks volumes to the nature of dog ownership, relationships, motherhood, and to me in the value of a doula, or labor and birth-support companion.

I have two births coming up in the next two months that I am very excited about doulaing. Both are planned vaginal births after cesarean, one at home and the other at a hospital. I am feeling really touched by the honor it is to hold space and give that loving witness to women and families in this process. It is such a powerful, yet vulnerable experience for every birth. Working with first-time mothers and VBACs gives even more depth to the process, as it is the unknown which is by far the most challenging avenue for us all. Whether we’re birthing of a child, or a new way of being.

I have been seeking some clarity and inspiration to gain more financial stability and health for myself and my son lately. I seem to always “get by” and am very blessed to be serving my purpose and to receive support from friends and family through their own gestures of kindness and gifts. It is so very helpful, but I want to know that I am creating stable future for us. I want vacations, comfort, and a strong sense of material peace. I know I am creating these, yet returning to work full-time will bring more opportunity.

A few synchronistic unfoldings in the last 24 hours have given me some wonderful insights and reminded me of some of my inherent gifts that I want to give to the world, in service, from my heart passionately. I think I had forgotten about the blessing and honor of the role of doula because I haven’t been able to fully explore this role, until now. The commitment to doula felt too overwhelming as a newly single mother and of a child that was still breastfeeding. I had a lot of healing to do, to truly be able to tend to others.

One year post breakup, yesterday, I was given the opportunity to set a declaration for my chosen embodiment after ecstatic dance at Grace Place. We sat in circle, with Lucas on my lap, I stated that I declared and accepted of the role and responsibilities, the ownership and ability, and the joy and love that it is to be Divine Mother to a blessed Son and with the perfection and wholeness that it is, in itself. Or something like that. ; )

It has taken me this entire year be able to say that whole-heartedly and not be afraid of what that role means. It has taken a lot of support from others that saw the love and power in me before I could see it myself.

I am still weary and lonely at times, but I am starting to feel more and more comfortable and confident in the true meaning of what it *is* to *be* divine mother. It goes far beyond what I do for my son. It is what I embody for my bodywork clients, my role as doula, and without a doubt my intention in teaching yoga as well. It is my tone that I give, and it is the tone that so many others are giving as we are all finding a deeper understanding, awareness, and appreciation of our relationships with Mother Nature.

Cesar Millan is a beautiful man that is fully embodying his divine feminine as well. I highly recommend watching these as I’m sure that whether it be for yourself, your dog, or your relationships you will find a source of inspiration to “Mother” yourself into a more balanced way of being.

Jai!

///

Where do you mother yourself and the world? How do these ideas manifest in your life? Care to share?? Please do! : )

New Life

flows freely in Me.

The depth that I give sits and waits
for Me, to jump back in.

Oh the pleasure it is
just to be.
Me.

Pure power.
Pure potential.
Truth.

A melding of music.
Environment to contain, co-create, resonate.

My heart listens and waits,
discerning the wisdom to chose
Me.

My sound.
My contribution.
My song, a dance.
Allowing me to demonstrate.
My demon.
Me.

It is all Love.
There is no other, no evil.
I get to chose.
Me.

Signed,
Eternally, Love.