Learning to Follow

A shameless post of love and gratitude for my son Lucas.

Lucas leading the way at 18 months old.

Parenthood is far less about teaching than it is about learning most of the time. Which truly is such a blessing. Granted, I think that statement applies to those parents that are choosing to “rewrite their story.” Which essentially means, paying attention and working your ass off at breaking through your ancestral and personal mental/physical/spiritual “boundaries” to avoid imposing them on your child, as best as you can. Which I do think all parents are concerned with. Its the nature of parenthood.

Last winter I wrote about my desire to organize and declutter my life in hopes of never leaving that sort of burden on my child like I unfortunately inherited by the time I was 26 and again at 33. (That post here: Self-organization) I had completely forgotten about that post, but as we entered into the Winter Solstice and I again contemplated what I would like to manifest for the upcoming year, I revisted it and was amazed by how much more I have cleared in past last year than I even knew I had to clear.

My relationship with Lucas’ father ending, plus moving out of my Union St house, and learning how to say no to “obligations” has allowed me to clear and cleanse so much. Trust me, I didn’t want to face all of these opportunities in disguise over the last year. It has easily been one of the hardest years of my life, if not *the* hardest. Lucas has been the buffer that has brought me so much Love and Joy that it made it easy to see what I was doing it all for anyway. It makes me feel like I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without him. Which leads me back to “Following.”

Thank you Lucasuarus Aurora Borealis for coming into my world!!

omg. #Love!!

Even now, when I want life to hand me the easy path (eh-hem… Which btw Universe a lil’ easy path wouldn’t be so bad now and then if you know what I mean.) it doesn’t take me long to remember why I am being asked to do it.

If children are a burden, the burden they give us is exposing the light of our own illusions and ego. According to some, they are seen as Spirit coming through to test us and our ability to love and care for another outside of our needs and desires. I am so very thankful for the anchor that he has given to my physical existence. I can not bullshit myself any longer.

Its not like I didn’t already know these things as well. But he holds me accountable, or rather, my love for him holds myself accountable. I would never want to limit his potential, his confidence, his exposure to life and adventure because I didn’t do all that I could to push those boundaries in myself.

As this year comes to a close, I have been enjoying burning what seems to be the final stages of clearing my past from my Mother’s family in my woodstove. Its pretty awesome and liberating experience; heating your house with flames of burdens being carried away in smoke and ashes. Every time I burn through it, my living room and heart-space literally feel lighter and larger.

I have taken the time to set some intentions for the upcoming year and primarily it is to not lose site of my son being my guiding Light. Its an interesting dance now that I have a “single” life outside of having Lucas around 100% of the time. Yes, I do want a fantasmical romance and I’m positive I will have one someday. I tend to be a dreamy-eyed romantic and get lost in it, which I’m sure I’ll do to some degree but I really want to maintain harmony in my life. I want to dream and live big and keep my precious lil’ feet on the ground with my focus on the Lucas-prize to ensure my actions continue to follow our best intentions.

May we all live our heart’s biggest dreams!



Top 10 Words

I must confess, I don’t actually even own a baby book for Lucas. But, I do know that I have been pretty good about keeping a log of his life via photos, posts online, and he even had his own blog for a little while over at http://stardelucas.blogspot.com/
which might get resurrected. I grew tired of the blogspot interface and wanted to try some other options out. Until I figure out where his blog will reside, I guess I will keep posting photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mamaheidijae/ and use this site as he is and has been the biggest inspiration for the culmination of all that is “Jae Mama!”

I have been meaning to write a list of his current vocabulary and keep track of them as they develop. I already feel like I can’t keep up with him as its apparent he speaks new sounds, words, sometimes combining them, to communicate with James or I at spit-fire pace. I don’t feel too bad now about not keeping up with our sign language as he knows a few signs and seems to be jumping right into voicing his needs. Although, I do think I will expand his sign language along side his speaking. It is a joy to watch him communicate and explore his world so full-heartedly. 🙂

So this is a list of his vocabulary, as of today, and the order in which he said them.

1st word: Mama – 7mo — Side note, I didn’t “count” this right away until it started happening frequently & with proper context.

2nd word: Dada – 8 or 9mo

3rd word: Bubba – 8 or 9mo

4th word: Dog  – 14mo   — Shortly after calling dogs, dog. All animals are called dog. Which shows me that he’s intelligent enough to know, ‘Hey, that aint no person, plant, or regular ol’ thing. Its a living breathing… dog.’ errr… animal.

5th word: Frog (pronounced: Og) – 14mo

6th word: Light  – 14mo — This quickly became his new favorite word. Sometimes, pronounced “I-ght.”

7th word: That –  15mo  — That/Dat replaced every other word that he’d learned for a while.

8th word: Done/All done. – 15mo  –Sometimes the “ne” is almost silent. And the “All done” is “Ah Do’n”

9th word: Zack – 15mo. — Which notes his first word/name of anyone outside of Mama, Dada, & Bubba. He sure loves his cousin Zack!

10th word: Ball. – 15.5 mo.  By far his new favorite word and thing… well, right along side the other “Ball” which really means is a balloon. When he spies one out in public he quickly proclaims: :”BALLOON!!! GIMME THAT BALLOON! LOOK ITS A BALLOON!!! ” Which is pronounced: “SQUEEK! SQUEAL! SCREAM!”

I may have somehow left a couple words out, and I very well could’ve transposed some of the words here… But essentially, this is “the list” which will someday take physical form so that Luke (as I am sometimes calling him now) can look back on them and appreciate his first words.