Om Ma Durga Om

Appreciating Durga today.

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The divine goddess of love and motherhood. She loves so fiercely that within her being is every “weapon” that spiritual warriors could posses. Her presence radiates beauty, confidence, acceptance, and strength… she has the loving awareness to witness all “evil, darkness, ego” gone astray with such divine power that the “evil, darkness, ego” wishes be released from itself. It simply offers itself to her to die under the swiftness of her sword.

At least, this is the way I understand her, taught to me by Dr. Manoj Chalam.

Karmic reweaving of mother/child-hood has been thick, in my sleeping and waking dreams the last few days. In this I experience prophetic dreams, symbolic messages, vibrational detoxes, and toddler-triggers galore!

Yesterday, my sweet toddler was pushing every button I had. I saw and felt my reactions and equally rose above said triggers and unconsciously reacted to them. When I reacted, I immediately felt what I was doing to my child, and to myself, by being angry. I communicated as best I could to him that I was reacting poorly and that I was sorry for my lack of patience.

In fleeting moments of silence, or in split seconds of post-trigger awareness, I would quickly pray. “Dear God, Great Spirit, please forgive me and guide me to be a better mother.”

I knew better than to believe I was a shitty parent and horrible mother. Sure, I felt that way, but I knew better than to let my heart attach itself to the sticky entrapment of misery presenting itself to me. Yet it took an unwavering commitment to say NO to it, every time.

Before going to sleep I was following through with a few logistical texts with our baby’s nanny, and friend in the spirit tribe in Boise. I let her know I was going to bed, and thus I did not see her replies until morning. Her last text to me, wished that I be filled with white light. Which she’d never said via text before.

It was sweet to read upon waking, as she didn’t know of the internal struggle I was challenged with and it was also supportive of the guidance that came to my dreams that night:

I was in a large stadium with people I knew and didn’t know. I found my 4 year old son there and he informed me that he was like his Dad and he has coyote medicine within him. Coyote is a shape shifter, and also a bit of a PLAYful instigator I believe. This gave me an “ah-ha” within my being and helped me understand why he is the way he is. Read: why I get triggered the way I do. 😉

I then was given an assignment to teach yoga in the stadium and I knew it had to be a heart-centric practice so that people could feel the loving acceptance I was feeling after my “ah-ha.” I was walking to where I would be teaching and I had an invisible presence next to me whispering that I create a perfect mantra for this experience. The presence felt masculine, and fatherly. He was helping me with my mantra as I would hope to help my son learn: patiently. As we walked the conversation went like this:

What would be best to start the mantra with?

….Om. Yes Om, the sound of creation.

Yes. That is good. And what shall follow it? What makes YOU feel loved?

Durga! Yes Durga should follow Om!

(Silent presence, knowing there’s a better answer.)

Oh wait, Ma! Ma Durga!

Very well! And let it finish with Om too. 🙂

Om Ma Durga Om!

I felt love and loved, and full of joy! The feeling increased every time I repeated it and I also felt so happy to have created just the right mantra to use in the waking dream to give me power on my path. I awoke shortly after.

I have a feeling that it was either one of my most relied upon teachers Babaji, or very likely Maharaj-ji visiting me in my dreams. I have been reading Maharaj-ji influences a lot lately through Ram Dass’ book Be Love Now for a book club I recently put in motion.

Shadow work, ie Karmic reweaving, is powerful when you arm yourself with awareness. I am thankful for the love of Durga and that of the True Christ that resides in my heart. I am thankful that my soul is armed in the soft, white feathers of owl and can wisely navigate within darkness. I am happy to have love in my home plus circles upon circles of divine beauty and embodiment in friendships in my city.

We should all be so lucky.

“The Power of Woman is Love

And when a woman doesn’t receive, or is acknowledged by sharing this, woman’s biggest power is not available to us.” – Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

These videos (attached below) came my way via a yoga teacher today and I am loving the messages in this, the second of the 3-part series. Cesar also speaks to his own femininity in the first video, which goes to show that men have this inherent power of Love and nurturing from within. It is more natural to woman, yet not hidden from men.

The concepts spoken of in these videos of “not fighting Mother Nature,” to Witness another and allow them to be in order to gain trust, respect, loyalty and eventually love speaks volumes to the nature of dog ownership, relationships, motherhood, and to me in the value of a doula, or labor and birth-support companion.

I have two births coming up in the next two months that I am very excited about doulaing. Both are planned vaginal births after cesarean, one at home and the other at a hospital. I am feeling really touched by the honor it is to hold space and give that loving witness to women and families in this process. It is such a powerful, yet vulnerable experience for every birth. Working with first-time mothers and VBACs gives even more depth to the process, as it is the unknown which is by far the most challenging avenue for us all. Whether we’re birthing of a child, or a new way of being.

I have been seeking some clarity and inspiration to gain more financial stability and health for myself and my son lately. I seem to always “get by” and am very blessed to be serving my purpose and to receive support from friends and family through their own gestures of kindness and gifts. It is so very helpful, but I want to know that I am creating stable future for us. I want vacations, comfort, and a strong sense of material peace. I know I am creating these, yet returning to work full-time will bring more opportunity.

A few synchronistic unfoldings in the last 24 hours have given me some wonderful insights and reminded me of some of my inherent gifts that I want to give to the world, in service, from my heart passionately. I think I had forgotten about the blessing and honor of the role of doula because I haven’t been able to fully explore this role, until now. The commitment to doula felt too overwhelming as a newly single mother and of a child that was still breastfeeding. I had a lot of healing to do, to truly be able to tend to others.

One year post breakup, yesterday, I was given the opportunity to set a declaration for my chosen embodiment after ecstatic dance at Grace Place. We sat in circle, with Lucas on my lap, I stated that I declared and accepted of the role and responsibilities, the ownership and ability, and the joy and love that it is to be Divine Mother to a blessed Son and with the perfection and wholeness that it is, in itself. Or something like that. ; )

It has taken me this entire year be able to say that whole-heartedly and not be afraid of what that role means. It has taken a lot of support from others that saw the love and power in me before I could see it myself.

I am still weary and lonely at times, but I am starting to feel more and more comfortable and confident in the true meaning of what it *is* to *be* divine mother. It goes far beyond what I do for my son. It is what I embody for my bodywork clients, my role as doula, and without a doubt my intention in teaching yoga as well. It is my tone that I give, and it is the tone that so many others are giving as we are all finding a deeper understanding, awareness, and appreciation of our relationships with Mother Nature.

Cesar Millan is a beautiful man that is fully embodying his divine feminine as well. I highly recommend watching these as I’m sure that whether it be for yourself, your dog, or your relationships you will find a source of inspiration to “Mother” yourself into a more balanced way of being.

Jai!

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Where do you mother yourself and the world? How do these ideas manifest in your life? Care to share?? Please do! : )