Om Ma Durga Om

Appreciating Durga today.

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The divine goddess of love and motherhood. She loves so fiercely that within her being is every “weapon” that spiritual warriors could posses. Her presence radiates beauty, confidence, acceptance, and strength… she has the loving awareness to witness all “evil, darkness, ego” gone astray with such divine power that the “evil, darkness, ego” wishes be released from itself. It simply offers itself to her to die under the swiftness of her sword.

At least, this is the way I understand her, taught to me by Dr. Manoj Chalam.

Karmic reweaving of mother/child-hood has been thick, in my sleeping and waking dreams the last few days. In this I experience prophetic dreams, symbolic messages, vibrational detoxes, and toddler-triggers galore!

Yesterday, my sweet toddler was pushing every button I had. I saw and felt my reactions and equally rose above said triggers and unconsciously reacted to them. When I reacted, I immediately felt what I was doing to my child, and to myself, by being angry. I communicated as best I could to him that I was reacting poorly and that I was sorry for my lack of patience.

In fleeting moments of silence, or in split seconds of post-trigger awareness, I would quickly pray. “Dear God, Great Spirit, please forgive me and guide me to be a better mother.”

I knew better than to believe I was a shitty parent and horrible mother. Sure, I felt that way, but I knew better than to let my heart attach itself to the sticky entrapment of misery presenting itself to me. Yet it took an unwavering commitment to say NO to it, every time.

Before going to sleep I was following through with a few logistical texts with our baby’s nanny, and friend in the spirit tribe in Boise. I let her know I was going to bed, and thus I did not see her replies until morning. Her last text to me, wished that I be filled with white light. Which she’d never said via text before.

It was sweet to read upon waking, as she didn’t know of the internal struggle I was challenged with and it was also supportive of the guidance that came to my dreams that night:

I was in a large stadium with people I knew and didn’t know. I found my 4 year old son there and he informed me that he was like his Dad and he has coyote medicine within him. Coyote is a shape shifter, and also a bit of a PLAYful instigator I believe. This gave me an “ah-ha” within my being and helped me understand why he is the way he is. Read: why I get triggered the way I do. 😉

I then was given an assignment to teach yoga in the stadium and I knew it had to be a heart-centric practice so that people could feel the loving acceptance I was feeling after my “ah-ha.” I was walking to where I would be teaching and I had an invisible presence next to me whispering that I create a perfect mantra for this experience. The presence felt masculine, and fatherly. He was helping me with my mantra as I would hope to help my son learn: patiently. As we walked the conversation went like this:

What would be best to start the mantra with?

….Om. Yes Om, the sound of creation.

Yes. That is good. And what shall follow it? What makes YOU feel loved?

Durga! Yes Durga should follow Om!

(Silent presence, knowing there’s a better answer.)

Oh wait, Ma! Ma Durga!

Very well! And let it finish with Om too. 🙂

Om Ma Durga Om!

I felt love and loved, and full of joy! The feeling increased every time I repeated it and I also felt so happy to have created just the right mantra to use in the waking dream to give me power on my path. I awoke shortly after.

I have a feeling that it was either one of my most relied upon teachers Babaji, or very likely Maharaj-ji visiting me in my dreams. I have been reading Maharaj-ji influences a lot lately through Ram Dass’ book Be Love Now for a book club I recently put in motion.

Shadow work, ie Karmic reweaving, is powerful when you arm yourself with awareness. I am thankful for the love of Durga and that of the True Christ that resides in my heart. I am thankful that my soul is armed in the soft, white feathers of owl and can wisely navigate within darkness. I am happy to have love in my home plus circles upon circles of divine beauty and embodiment in friendships in my city.

We should all be so lucky.

Universe starts with U.

Its easy to get caught up in any area of the world’s suffering. Especially for me. I love to help, I love to hear people’s stories regardless of how much suffering is involved. It fascinates me to imagine what another person’s reality is and the more that I expose myself to, interweaving them and layering them in my mind makes up for my lack of world travel. Or so it seems.

Yesterday morning, after a night of minimal sleep and a lot of Lucas’ crying I woke up feeling a bit raw, numb, and highly fragile. I mostly attributed this to a strong yoga practice the night before wherein I realized about an hour into it that I was dehydrated and in need of a more nutritious diet. [Read: the cookies I ate for dinner the night previous weren’t cutting it. Shocker.]

When I woke, and after Lucas’ father came to take him for the day, I was left with myself. Which always seems to be what I am yearning for when the house is full of noise and chaos, but sometimes, as it was yesterday, I feel a bit lonesome and point-less when Lucas leaves.

Lucas, and the world, are easy for me to become fully immersed in. They’re beautiful, fascinating, and I find a lot of joy in witnessing their beauty and the miracle of their existence. Yet yesterday morning I came to remember, while I grounding myself in a bath, that in my Angels and in God/dess’s eyes, I am just as beautiful and a miracle worthy of all of my energy and focus. Even if it means moving very slowly, softly, and weeping occasionally. As I lay on my back in the tub I said out loud, “I pray to put into myself that which I give to others. As myself, I am the Universe. If I am to love her fully, so then must I love myself.”

But here’s what got me the most. I realized that all of the attention and energy I put towards healing our Earth and others is moot if my self-care is not equal to or greater than that which I give. Otherwise, its like telling the Universe a lie. When we give more to others than we give to ourselves, it says, ‘I value life- just not my own.’ How can the two truths exist simultaneously? They can’t.

This thought allowed me cry a sweet and pure, cleansing and grounding release. Which allowed me to come back into myself and my hearts center without any judgement and I could feel it pouring into the Earth at the same time. This visualization and realization now gives me a greater sense of ownership and responsibility in my roles to provide for my son and planet. Which ultimately is what my seeking outside of myself was intended for. This gives new depth to finding what we’re looking for in the last place we look now doesn’t it.

Truly, this isn’t the first time I have needed to remind myself of these truths, but health and life has a way of dancing back-and-forth. This was my story yesterday, as it was. : ) I invite you to share your perspectives… to teach, release, and cleanse in order to invite more of the abundance of life within. Jai!

  • Do you give to others freely and stall when it comes to your time, body, and space? Or does it come easily? If so, why?
  • How does your self-care resemble or differ from that of your parents? 
  • What rituals help you come back into your *be*ing and tune in to what your body wants and needs? 

New Moon Inspiration. Gemini. 2011.

Moon dusting off the old.

The ghosts of DNA,

deep deep darkness

unconsciousness made conscious.

Blackness illuminated.

This experience is wrapped with a bow.

…a bow, of gratitude.

Wait, wrapped in a bow?

I meant a moat.

A moat that IS the castle-

the destination; immersion.

G’head get dirty, feel it, touch it and wear it within.

Within all that you meet. Let the darkness define

the white, glossy smile of your teeth.

***
My ghost is the shield of security my heart space has created… long ago, a few years back, and of course again recently. My soul has partially escaped each time. Its been seeking to return to the Cosmos, yet also committed in sacred contract to this lovely form I call home, aka my body. Divided and protected, I can never win. So its time to undo and redo.

Family is redefining itself in every avenue. My blessings- my teachers- reiki, bodywork; my healers, yogins, and Angels. They’re helping me hear the whisper:  ‘It is safe. It is safe. It is safe to Love… and be Loved!!’

Moats don’t have to be muddy, they surely represent the unknown depth of our emotion. Yet doesn’t that mean that once cleared, it is Love deeper than I’ve known? That it is joy expressed and felt more richly than I have known since youth? And Peace that has shown its face to me in mountaintops, yet that I know is as accessible to me as the dishes stacked in my sink.

The whispers I’ve been gifted through all of this, are my saving Grace. I have never been so vulnerable, malleable, and powerful… capable of intense, radical transformation.

…so Dark, yet sure of the presence of Light.

This Light is the seed of God and wisdom, found  sitting in my belly and guided by my body and heart’s symphony. My third eye is able to see God’s vision, my vision, and my royal Crown chakra- realizing that none of this is mine. I am merely a vessel to do Gods work. I give in, I surrender. I release… I feel the sadness from my heart’s attachments but all I know is that I am a child wrapped in a Divine embrace. Just as my son cries from the lack of awareness or understanding… I trust that I am a child, an infant of God and what I need abounds me.

I pray:

to not forget myself for I know SHe never has.

to continue to hear my heart and Angels wisdom; synchronistic, symbolic, and dreamed.

to have the heart- the courage, to let my mind go. let the critic go. let the fear go.

to remember: I am safe; to love, to be loved, to laugh. …and play. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval.

to forgive myself for wanting to judge- myself and others. And to release and remember: it is safe… to love and be loved. I have done nothing wrong, I do not need permission or approval. G’head… laugh at the old way. Why not? It is silly, now that I can see.

Lastly yet foremost, I pray to be guided to live my life in such a way that I am harmoniously serving myself, my family, Mother Earth, and all Life in purity for the highest good of all involved.

Om Shanti Namaste.

Jai!