Learning to Follow

A shameless post of love and gratitude for my son Lucas.

Lucas leading the way at 18 months old.

Parenthood is far less about teaching than it is about learning most of the time. Which truly is such a blessing. Granted, I think that statement applies to those parents that are choosing to “rewrite their story.” Which essentially means, paying attention and working your ass off at breaking through your ancestral and personal mental/physical/spiritual “boundaries” to avoid imposing them on your child, as best as you can. Which I do think all parents are concerned with. Its the nature of parenthood.

Last winter I wrote about my desire to organize and declutter my life in hopes of never leaving that sort of burden on my child like I unfortunately inherited by the time I was 26 and again at 33. (That post here: Self-organization) I had completely forgotten about that post, but as we entered into the Winter Solstice and I again contemplated what I would like to manifest for the upcoming year, I revisted it and was amazed by how much more I have cleared in past last year than I even knew I had to clear.

My relationship with Lucas’ father ending, plus moving out of my Union St house, and learning how to say no to “obligations” has allowed me to clear and cleanse so much. Trust me, I didn’t want to face all of these opportunities in disguise over the last year. It has easily been one of the hardest years of my life, if not *the* hardest. Lucas has been the buffer that has brought me so much Love and Joy that it made it easy to see what I was doing it all for anyway. It makes me feel like I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without him. Which leads me back to “Following.”

Thank you Lucasuarus Aurora Borealis for coming into my world!!

omg. #Love!!

Even now, when I want life to hand me the easy path (eh-hem… Which btw Universe a lil’ easy path wouldn’t be so bad now and then if you know what I mean.) it doesn’t take me long to remember why I am being asked to do it.

If children are a burden, the burden they give us is exposing the light of our own illusions and ego. According to some, they are seen as Spirit coming through to test us and our ability to love and care for another outside of our needs and desires. I am so very thankful for the anchor that he has given to my physical existence. I can not bullshit myself any longer.

Its not like I didn’t already know these things as well. But he holds me accountable, or rather, my love for him holds myself accountable. I would never want to limit his potential, his confidence, his exposure to life and adventure because I didn’t do all that I could to push those boundaries in myself.

As this year comes to a close, I have been enjoying burning what seems to be the final stages of clearing my past from my Mother’s family in my woodstove. Its pretty awesome and liberating experience; heating your house with flames of burdens being carried away in smoke and ashes. Every time I burn through it, my living room and heart-space literally feel lighter and larger.

I have taken the time to set some intentions for the upcoming year and primarily it is to not lose site of my son being my guiding Light. Its an interesting dance now that I have a “single” life outside of having Lucas around 100% of the time. Yes, I do want a fantasmical romance and I’m positive I will have one someday. I tend to be a dreamy-eyed romantic and get lost in it, which I’m sure I’ll do to some degree but I really want to maintain harmony in my life. I want to dream and live big and keep my precious lil’ feet on the ground with my focus on the Lucas-prize to ensure my actions continue to follow our best intentions.

May we all live our heart’s biggest dreams!

Jai!

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Self-organization

I am a big tweeter these days. I love the fact that I don’t pay attention to news online, or via a TV yet, I hear of wikileaks bail, DADT repealed, and countless health updates (not paid for by corporate giants) every day on my phone. What I love even more, is the fact that I can connect with other people who are conscious and get it! All day long people are posting tweets on philosophy, spirituality, motherhood, birth, and so much more! I can follow my favorite authors and those that I have just discovered yet seek the time to dig into like Bruce Lipton and Daniel Pinchbeck specifically. Hey, if I can’t read a book of theirs due to a lack of time, maybe I can be so lucky to get a snip-it of their wisdom in 140 characters or less!

Yet, today, I was super ecstatic based off of someone’s tweet that I didn’t think I could trust whole heartedly- and shouldn’t. But someone else, an elder in my community that I am lucky to work closely with, told me the same bunk information. If you’re a friend of mine on facebook or twitter, you are probably already aware of it. Guess what folks, there has been lunar eclipses on a winter’s solstice since 33AD! Lol.

For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been using the solstice as a kick-off to the “Holy Midnights of Winter” to connect with dream-space and set intention. Since I began, I have come to know myself, my dreams, and my process of manifestation much more intimately. This way, I literally make my waking-dreams come true. For many, the solstice is seen as a point to reflect and begin thinking anew, as if it were the actual time to set “new year” resolutions.

I have already written a letter of intention, yet it doesn’t quite feel like I’ve reached completion yet. But I would like to share with you what I feel is the “bottom line” to manifesting everything that will end up on my so called final draft. And maybe the key to understanding manifestation, at any time of year.

Self-Organization.

It seems like a pretty simple concept at first glance, yet thanks to one of the people I follow on Twitter, I have begun to look at it in a whole new light. Courtesy of “@metamorphoptics” : ‘Self-organization is non-dual; whole and part, one and many, are united processes of dynamic multilevel becoming.’ Its a beautiful thought. I like to think that I have been effecting the whole by my “little” acts in organizing my little space and self.

Probably because I have been in a process of self-organization for a few years now by transforming my home and all the stuff I carry along with it. Since I became the matriarch in my family at the age of 26, I have collected a lot of stuff that I don’t really need. I have paid for storage, and have rented houses beyond my means just to have enough space to keep it all.

I also reached a breaking point after 3 years of duty with health & welfare on my Mom’s medicaid behalf, monthy bills for my mother and me, working two jobs (to pay for my house big enough to keep all my crap) and taking classes at BSU. After this breaking point(s), I started using denial as a coping mechanism. I just avoided bills until the last possible minute to pay them, mail was stacked in piles constantly, and then it grew to take over almost a room in my house. SERIOUSLY! It was out of control. Granted, when you come to my house now, you’ll still see some mail and crap in piles on just about every surface. [Not for long!] But that’s it. There is no secret stash, and I think for having the distraction of my son now added into the mix, its a blessing that I’ve come this far.

Which leads me right into my why its so important to continuing to take care of my own self-organization and minimizing the crap and clutter of my life. Not just for the whole of the planet, but I would never wish my crap onto my child once I’m gone. EVER.

My mother has been one of the greatest loves of my life, yet without any doubt, she has also been the largest burden of my life. I forgive her. She didn’t think about how much of a burden her crap could potentially be for me one day. Especially out of the blue as her strokes happened to her- us.

***My goal is for my child’s life to be as burden-free, for as long as I possibly can. I wish that he does not know grief and burden as intimately as I do or did before I was even 30 years old. I chose to take care of myself for myself and my son. I want to live as long as possible, in a healthy, loving, peaceful, fun home.***

When I pass… hopefully long from now, I want there to be next to nothing to sort through. I do not want my life to be measured by the artifacts that it came in contact with. Some yes, yet not many. Definitely no storage units, or garage packed full. Definitely not a basement with boxes that haven’t been opened in years… Like I do now, that in the next few weeks will be dusted off and burned through. Literally.

In closing,
I wish you all a blessed solstice and sweet dreams during the holy nights of midwinter!

Jai!